the santas little helper

Dont even bother

2005-07-17T22:55:00.000-05:00

If anyone just kind of stumbled onto page, don’t bother hanging around. I haven’t updated in months. I wrote most of theSuperficial.com from February to July, then started up IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com and WWTDD.com. But I don’t want to feel your time was wasted here, so here are some pictures of Marissa Miller topless. Cause isn’t that what life is all about. At least that’s what my mom used to say. “Brendon,” she would say, “life is all about seeing Marisa Miller topless.“ She is so wise.

Ben Affleck doesnt care

2005-06-26T22:36:00.000-05:00

If there one thing I hate more than robots from the future who try to kill me - and I fuckin hate robots from the future who try to kill me - it’s idiots who chain smoke around pregnant women. And Jennifer Garner is clearly pregnant at this point. And based on that cloud of smoke around Ben Affleck, he’s either a magic dragon or he’s smoking five cigarettes at a time. I’m no filthy hippy who freaks out about second hand smoke, but I also acknowledge that there’s probably a reason gynecologists don’t insert a pipe filled with rich tobacco during prenatal exams.

not really an update...

2005-02-19T00:16:00.000-06:00

despite what it looks like. If anyone just stumbled onto this by clicking that 'next blog' thing, know that most of this page is content I wrote for the Superficial this past week. I probably should write new stuff or at least make this intro funnier, but if I were that brilliant, I'd be banging a bunch of Playmates, not writing a blog.

Marisa Miller nekkid

2005-02-19T00:15:00.000-06:00

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out this week, which is as good a reason as any to dredge up the fact that supermodel Marisa Miller, who this year makes her fourth straight appearance in SI, began her career as a nude model for magazines like Perfect 10. Sadly - and I’m not proud of this - I sometimes use that against her when we quarrel. I know its not cool, but, dammit Marisa, since when does ‘medium’ mean ‘medium rare’! COOK IT AGAIN!

(you can click for real big on the one up top too)

*update* - someone sent in this link for the Marisa Miller Perfect 10 video. If you’re okay with watching insanely hot 19 year olds prance around naked, you might wanna click.

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Britney Spears is fat

2005-02-19T00:12:00.000-06:00

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Thanks to Suzie for sending in these horrifying images of Britney Spears and making it impossible for me to masturbate tonight. And thanks to Britney too. It’s nice to see you smoking and drinking in front of your core audience of 12 year old girls. Maybe later you can go to Disneyland and rip off Mickey’s head. Or, you know what, fuck it, just go ahead and slaughter a unicorn right there on the deck. Dance in it's blood. Those kids are gonna cry themselves to sleep tonight anyway, why not just take thier innocence once and for all.

And, nobody asked, but these were taken at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey, where I used to work until they fired me for being too handsome. I’m not really sure why she would be hanging out there, but I don’t have a good explanation for why she put on two hundred pounds either.

You can see even more of this gallery here, at what appears to be a Britney fan site, which completely fuckin baffles me. By the way, when you're so in love with cigarettes you don't even put them down to go swimming, it might be time for the patch.

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Ben Affleck is Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

2005-02-19T00:11:00.000-06:00

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This story is pretty old but it showed up in the inbox and I’m too lazy to look up my own stuff. My intent was to post the funny picture and then call Affleck a dick for twenty minutes, but then I realized I don’t really think he is a dick. I know I’m supposed to hate him like everyone else, but how should he live this great life he’s been handed? Is he supposed to not bang Elektra when she shows up at his door. I can’t honestly say I've ever had sex with Jennifer Garner, but I have masturbated to this twice in the last 10 minutes. And I gotta tell you, it was pretty hot.

Yeah, he's wildly overpaid and a little too proud of himself, but I’m an insufferable dick even without a hundred strangers and sycophants telling me how wonderful I am every day. I usually only get like ninety. Granted, they’re all imaginary, and one is a wily but noble Indian savage who doesn’t even speak English, but I’m pretty sure he’s a big fan.

you can click for big on the pic, by the way. if youre into that sorta thing.

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hard and fast

2005-02-19T00:10:00.000-06:00

A couple of quick links here sent in by the urbane and attractive readers who are a hell of a lot better at finding stuff like this than I am. In my defense, that’s mostly because the day room here in the prison still has a dial-up connection and I only get an hour a day online. Most of the big stuff I post is written while on parole, but when you’re a hard mother fucker raised on the streets like me, those gates are just a revolving door.

The Lindsay Lohan Barbie Doll: If I were Lindsay Lohan, I’d be asking if I really can lead a normal life while taking Valtrex. But more to the point of this link, I'd be pissed because this doll looks like they just got Arial and that kid from lil’ Pimp to fuck. Better pic here.

Kelly Clarkson has acne on her back: So I said, “Kelly honey, you should take a shower, that stuff will clog your pores.” And Kelly says, “But I want a reminder of our night together.” Well pumpkin, you got one.

Nicole Kidman says something lucid and reasonable. Oh, uh, never mind.

Matt Dillon down with the swirl: If you’re like me, you’ll notice that the guy in the picture doesn’t look anything like Matt Damon. But if you’re like me, you’re an idiot who can't read headlines right. Bio for the girlfriend here.

The Kris Kross homepage: I know some people have had a hard time getting on to The Superficial lately. You won't have that problem here. In fact, about ten minutes after I clicked here for the first time, they knocked on my door. Asked me if I needed any yard work done. Be sure to check out the remarkably patronizing ‘tour info’ link.

That’s all for now. Oh, and that picture of Marisa Miller up top? That really had nothing to do with anything, except to declare my unquenchable love for Marisa Miller.

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Paris and Nicole. no, the hot one.

2005-02-19T00:09:00.000-06:00

Lot of talk today about the Paris Hilton cell phone hack. It seems a lot of people are entertained as hell by dialing disconnected numbers for c-list celebrities, but I was a little more interested in the pictures. Don’t most people have pictures of other people on their cell phones, not just themselves? If she would have been making out with playmate Nicole Lenz in all those pics I wouldn’t be complaining, but sadly, a lot of them were apparently taken at the zoo or something.

Anyway, all I really cared about from this are the pics of her and Nicole Lenz, and I figure that’s all you care about too, so here are some stills of the infamous lesbian porn tape (her porns are getting hard to keep track of) that Paris made. Appropiate has-been Simon Rex must have paid close attention while making gay porn in the early nineties, because he’s the one filming this. I remember there were a lot of questions about his sexuality when the gay porn stuff came out, allegations he vehemently denied. Well, there are two hot chicks fucking each other about three feet away and all he does is watch. Dont you people have a fucking tripod. Or a chair, slide a table over, something - they broke out a a strap on, didn’t that tell you anything. It’s a bitter fuckin irony that gay guys are seemingly involved in hotter three ways than I am.

Anyway, here are some stills of the video and a gallery of Nicole Lenz from Playboy.

*update* so it seems the girl on the cell phone is Latin MTV VJ Eglantina Zingg and not Lenz as widely reported early on, but since it took forever to host and post all this stuff, I'm keeping it up.

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Love Hewitt gets new show

2005-02-18T22:28:00.000-06:00

I’m totally ok admitting that I don’t understand the Oxygen channel. It’s television for women, but every time I flip through there it’s some movie about a woman getting her ass beat. Why that’s entertaining, I’m not sure, but what has been entertaining is my brilliant lead-in to mention that Jennifer Love Hewitt has a new show on there. I’d rather watch a video of the inbred at my Starbucks pissin in the coffee I’m drinking right now than watch a romantic comedy on the Oxygen channel, but hey, I have eclectic taste. And really, all this was just an excuse to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt pictures for an hour without my girlfriend scratching my fuckin eyes out. I'll take my chances writing this article because like every other supermodel, my girlfriend is no genius. Even when she's sober she can barely read. I likes ‘em dumb!

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the Grammy Awards

2005-02-18T22:22:00.000-06:00

I really hope no one showed up here Monday morning looking for the most comprehensive Grammy coverage, because the dusty mummies who run those awards have made them so completely irrelevant, I didn’t even realize they were on. Luckily citylimitsgrl (and that may be an alias) is more aware than I am. It seems the show this year was a typically raucous affair, with a dead man sweeping just about every category. I would take Ray Charles over just about everybody, but I find that a little suspect. Frankly I’m amazed that the fossils in charge even want black people to vote much less win their biggest awards, so I guess I have to give them some credit.

And apparently recording artist Britney Spears now has half as many Grammy’s as money shot artist Bill Clinton. Well done, Britney. Well done. I realize you were never all about the music, mostly your job was to be fuckable, but you’re not doing too great at that lately either.

Oh well, whatever, the Grammy’s have been dead to me for years and they’re gonna stay that way until I see the Dandy Warhols on stage with so much gold it’ll be an affront to God.

Starz to air Catwoman

2005-02-18T22:21:00.000-06:00

As part of their tribute to Black History Month, Starz is running Catwoman, which is a great choice cause that movie really gets to the heart of the black experience. They should probably only air it for the first two weeks of Black History Month since she’s only half black but I’m willing to overlook that because the film is that damn good. The movies only flaw is that no one ever seems to figure out that Halle Berry is Catwoman. She's the only sister in the whole damn town, but no one ever guesses that the hottie secretary who was all lips, hips and ass is also the hottie superhero who was all lips, hips and ass. Do people in that town see Halle walk away and think, "hey, there’s our only black girl," and then Catwoman would show up, "oh, I guess I was wrong." Especially since that mask only covered like 5 percent of her face. Sometimes I wear sunglasses and a hat, yet my friends still seem to recognize me. They don’t all faint and scream and point and say “it was you all along” when I take them off.

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Christina Aguilera gets engaged

2005-02-18T22:20:00.000-06:00

So, Christina Aguilera is engaged. And, for whatever reason, I just can’t get into this story. Maybe it's because she’s marrying this guy and I’m pretty sure I could still bang her whenever I wanted, but it's probably cause the pics below showed up this weekend too. What the hell is wrong this girl. I feel compelled to mention that I didn’t alter these pics in any way. This isn’t me trying to fuck with her. This was her idea. I bet you the phrase “has anyone seen my heroin” was overheard a lot during this shoot, cause some daffy bastard looked at Christina and said, “yeah, you look ok, but what you really need is a mustache drawn on you so you look like a 19th century strongman. That’s what guys want, guys like girls who look like they should be cackling maniacally and adjusting their monocle and top-hat while tying a damsel to the train tracks. Yeah, yeah like that, that’s hot.”

as always, thanks to Image Shack for the hosting

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Halle Berry

2005-02-18T22:18:00.000-06:00

So apparently Halle Berry won't be wearing million dollar shoes to the Academy Awards. Someone must have pointed out it's bad form to have a million dollars on your god-damn feet while at the same time wearing a black ribbon to show your “concern” over the mountain of dead in Indonesia. But the real victim here is me, cause I’d already written a brilliantly funny follow-up to my original article. And since I’m too lazy to write something new, I’m posting it anyway :

"Halle Berry will wear diamond encrusted shoes with a net worth of one million dollars to this years Academy Awards. And if it's not an hour later right now and you’re picking yourself up off the floor, you should probably read that first sentence again, cause I said “million dollar shoes.” It's almost unthinkable. I didn’t even spend a million dollars on prostitutes last year … in this country. If you're going to wear million dollar shoes, you might as well stop off somewhere and kick some orphans in the nuts, cause, really, its pretty much the same thing."

And to think, her selfishness almost cost you the hilarity of this article. Tsk, tsk Halle. Tsk, tsk.

Scarlett Johansson

2005-02-12T01:15:00.000-06:00

I really need to get off my ass and sell a screenplay, cause my crush on Scarlett Johansson is just about out of control. I’m not sure how selling a screenplay helps, but I need every edge I can get, cause unfortunately, I’m about as smooth as that prisoner who throws his cum on Agent Starling. As it turns out, most girls misinterpret that. Even more so if your not actually in prison. Trust me, don’t try that at a club. Or in line at the bank. Oh sure, it’s an ice breaker, but you don’t want that drama. Trust me.

I barely even remember what the hell this post was about. Oh yeah, Scarlett and my undying love. Here are some pics from my ceiling … umm, I mean collection, to prove it.

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theSuperficial.com

2005-02-12T01:04:00.000-06:00

I have good news and bad news. If you’re here to read my normal dumb jokes and poorly thought out observations, well, you still can. Just not here. At least not as often, cause I’ve started to write for theSuperficial.com. If you’ve never been there, do yourself a favor and click. It’s a great site, very funny stuff. I’ve been a fan for a while now and I’m pretty flattered to be a part of it.

I’ll still update here at least once a week, with longer stuff then I can put up there. And if you haven’t dug through the archives here, you should, some of the stuff is a little dated but I stand by the funny. So the entry today is gonna be a little short. And I only put this together so the Candice Michelle Playboy stuff would move off the front page and my mom could stop praying for my eternal soul. Mom, look! It worked!

(oh, and if anyone is wondering, you can find some of my stuff on theSuperficial here and here.)

Tara Reid. Yeah, I know ... again.

2005-02-08T19:04:00.000-06:00

I saw a Twilight Zone once where this guy woke up one day and all the common words in the English language had suddenly changed meanings. ‘Cat’ suddenly meant ‘table’. ‘Bowl’ meant ‘plane’ and so on. And that can be the only possible explanation for Tara Reid telling the New York Post this :

“I am a very smart girl, and people don't realize that … People think I am America's party girl, which is just stupid.”

Lets ignore for a moment the obvious lunacy of Tara ever being considered smart on even the most generous of scales. And its too easy to make fun of her acting, considering her only range seems to be drunk or stoned or drunk and stoned or ’just got hit in the head with a cartoon frying pan‘, and there’s really not that much use for that in Hollywood over the long haul.

Lets just focus on the ‘I'm not a party girl anymore’ part. Well, these pics were taken three days ago (2.5.05) of Braniac leaving the Spyder club in Hollywood. Here’s one on the beach taken January 17. You wanna shed the party girl image sweetie, don’t get drunk and pass out with the bad guy from Fargo. And don’t ever do this. And would it kill you to close your legs, even for a minute. What are they, fukkin spring loaded. I know old habits die hard, but can you just pretend that your not a whore.

What I don’t understand is her appeal. She’s an insufferable bitch, she cant act, her implants are ridiculous and, if you want, go to the Colony in Malibu - where a ton of these Britney pics are taken - hang out at the newsstand for 5 minutes and you’ll see 50 girls better looking than Tara. Not Britney obviously, but other girls. Girls who don’t have to be helped to their car in a drunken stupor at the end of the day, promising to “hook you up” if you can just get her home and hold her hair back, all the while mumbling, “hey, can I buy some pot from you.”

I could go on like this for a while, but, to hell with it. If you want, theres more on my love affair with Tara here.

Oh, and the Tara in the pic up top? Forget about her. She doesn’t exist any more, if she ever even did. You might as well jack off to the Little Mermaid.

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good times, yo. good times.

2005-02-08T18:58:00.000-06:00

I wanted to link these videos because I was trying to explain them to a friend of mine but instead just ended up staring at her tits and prattling on about nothing. He-he, just kidding Ashley. (*note* - I’m not kidding)

People pretty much get their ass whupped in both videos, and I know its cruel to laugh at strangers as they writhe around in insufferable pain, but God should have thought of that before He made it so hilariously funny.

The first video is some reporter at a grape stomping competition. In other news, grape stomping competitions are apparently held. And theyre newsworthy, for some reason. But this is actually a good video to show the kids because the fat girl cheats at the end and continues to stomp the grapes after the time limit. And since our God is a God of vengeance and anger - a God of action - He tosses her fat ass off the stage and face plants her into the ground thirty feet below.

Now, you may ask, “What could possibly go wrong in a contest where someone’s feet are constricted and their legs are pinned in and they’re in a race to oddly shift their weight back and forth with no handrails on a stage barely big enough and comically high off the ground?” And I would agree. Having survived countless sessions of ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ - a game where kids hopped up on sugar are blindfolded and spun around till dizzy, then handed a 9-inch needle to jab violently into the air - I really didn’t see a problem. But based on the way this chick rolls on the ground and barks like a seal for ten minutes, there was one. And it was pretty serious.

- click here for the stage diving hilarity -

The second video is a guy falling off a ladder live on QVC and its brilliantly awesome for a couple of reasons. One, I’m pretty sure this guy is dead, cause he hits the ground like he fell out of a plane. He lands so flat and lays there so still, I’m not sure if he slipped or if someone shot him down. And note that the caller handles the situation with much more skill and speed than any of the hosts who are clearly helpless when presented with a situation where the answers aren’t spoon fed to them by the teleprompter. Don’t all help at once there, guys! The chick says, "he’s moving!" Yeah, well, if he’s on his stomach reaching up with one hand, he's probably asking for help. But you just stand there honey, in that three foot halo of perfect lighting that takes 5 years of your face while your co-worker bleeds to death internally.

- click here for the back breaking humanity -

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Candice Michelle

2005-02-08T18:55:00.000-06:00

Lot of talk lately about the GoDaddy.com girl. "Who is she" and, more to the point, "where can I see her enormous rack"? It's not usually what I post here, but in the spirit of whoreing out to potential traffic, I used my powerful Hollywood connections to put together this gallery of her. If you haven’t seen her Super Bowl commercial yet, go here. I’m not even gonna bother to write one of my brilliantly funny intro’s this time cause I’m pretty sure its gonna be lost on this one.

You can find her home page here. Click on the pics for big.

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I’ve been thinking about maybe buyin a cow…

2005-02-03T22:26:00.000-06:00

you know, for summer.

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sort of an update...

2005-02-03T11:27:00.000-06:00

I haven’t updated in a few days here. I’ve been pretty busy. I won’t go into details, but I’ll give you some advice : don’t ever get a supermodel pregnant, cause they wont ever let you hear the end of it. Trust me. Even if you’ve moved on. Even if you’re trying to have dinner with a new supermodel, the first supermodel wont think anything of charging into the restaurant and causing a big scene. Even yelling, “is this any way to act … in front of our baby!” and then pulling up their shirt. Even though they don’t look pregnant yet. Cause its only been a few hours.

Trust me on this.

Anyway, I did watch a bunch of Japanese horror movies the other day, so here’s whatever you wanna call that :

Japanese people must be terrified of little kids with wet hair. Cause that’s what all their horror movies seem to be about these days. I just sat through Ringu 1 and 2 and the Grudge. I probably should have said that first. I’m unapologetically jingoistic, but god-damn the rest of the world is weird. What kind of pussy country chooses a damp little girl for the killer in their slasher pics. Out of all the serial killers in movies, I think I’ll take my chances against the unarmed 10 year old, thanks. Waterey tarts distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Wait … scratch that last one. (does anyone even get that joke? or am I dating myself)

My dad never gave me a lot of advice when I was a kid, but he would smack me in the back of the head if I did something stupid. Which is kind of like advice. Anyway, one thing he did say was, "the chinks are nuts". He meant the Chinese, but I’ll go ahead and lump the Japanese in there too. Cause the Asians love it when you lump them all together like that. But after watching this little film fest, his comment seems to have some merit, cause they make some pretty weird movies. At least when they’re not slaughtering dolphins and masturbating to violent porn, which apparently takes more time than you might think. And then there’s this... (wildly NSFW).

It’s almost embarrassing that I used to have a crush on Sarah Michelle Gellar. It’s even more embarrassing that I used to go through her garbage. And these tats I have of her on my back, chest and penis don’t seem like such a good idea any more either. Too bad that smart ass judge with the god complex had to break us up right as we were getting close. Right as I was getting close. Oooohh, yeah, we get it Your Honor, you’re a big man aren’t you. You’re not the only one who can make someone wear a GPS anklet. Well, maybe you are, but you get my point.

Ahhh, young love.

So, in summation, these movies are weird. And my phone bill is scarier than 'the Grudge'. And also - even though she wasn’t in the ones I watched - I would kill this entire town to fukk Naomi Watts. And I actually like this town.

(told you that pic was relevant. In screenplay writing, this is what we call coming full circle. And yeah, I got Sarahs entire name tatted … you know … down there. 19 letters. with spaces. Call me ladies!)

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Eva Longoria

2005-02-03T11:26:00.000-06:00

I’m usually too busy at my fight clubs to answer email, but if you write me and label it “Eva Longoria masturbates a lot”, I promise you, I will open it. So thanks to Nick for sending me these:

"N Sync star JC Chavez is obviously failing to satisfy his girlfriend, actress Eva Longoria, in the bedroom - she has confessed her best sex of the past year came courtesy of her vibrator.

She adds, 'I didn't begin enjoying sex until I started masturbating... It's a shame I didn't discover it sooner... Everybody should do it.'"

Wow. Did you guys catch that. That sly boots didn’t mention me by name, but it's pretty clear she wants me. What’s also pretty clear is that if you’re a girl dating a guy in a boy band, you better get ready to masturbate a lot. Cause apparently even the straight ones are fags.

I’m joking of course. None of them are straight.

Anyway, in honor of my first reader submitted story, I used my powerful Hollywood connections to put together this super high res gallery of Eva Longoria. There were a lot more here at one point, but that’s because the first half dozen I cut were apparently Eva Mendes. And as dumb as that sounds, I don’t even blame myself. Its impossible to tell Latin chicks apart. 15 or 50, they all look 27, they got that big rack, big ass, long hair and makeup like they just stepped off the set of ‘Mucho del Gante’ (*).

Anyway, dig in. some real nice pics here. click for big.

(*) I don’t speak Spanish so I have no idea if ‘mucho del gante’ actually means anything. its just fun to say. try it. 'mucho del gante.' wasnt that great.
And now that I think about it, I’m not sure how old these articles are cause I heard Eva was banging Tony Parker these days. by the way, I hope you're leaning in close, cause the small font means I’m whispering.

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Native American co-worker kind of disappointing

2005-01-31T01:05:00.000-06:00

(Austin, TX) - Expectations were high for Jonathon Takes Enemy when he accepted a position at Dell Computer this past summer, and not just because he has a M.B.A. from BYU.

"I just thought he'd be able to do cool Indian stuff, like predict the weather or track people through the office by feeling the carpet," said co-worker Ashley Tappan. "I figured he'd have some cool tips on how to brush a ponies hair or grow peyote, but so far nothin. I feel a little deceived, to be honest, like he misrepresented himself."

And supervisor Matthew Stark agrees. "I know that Jonathon's a Crow Indian and they've always been a peaceful people, but they're all savages, right. They're all dangerous. I was kinda hopin he'd have a necklace of scalps or teeth or somethin that he'd wear to labor meetings or with the distributors, cause then it'd be like our tribe against their tribe, ya know. No one would fuck with us then. They'd all be too scared of the wily savage, crouched in the corner of the boardroom behind a fern, wearin a bear skin with a knife in his teeth and dried blood on his chest. God that woulda been great. Oh well."

Stark continued, "Yeah, it's too bad too, I mean, if he's not gonna entertain us, I guess were gonna have to let em go."

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Man survives lion attack; would have preferred different miracle

2005-01-31T01:04:00.000-06:00

(San Diego, CA) – "For the Lord to bless Larry like this, for His divine hand to intervene and save a human life, well, it just proves once again how truly blessed we are."

This was the overwhelming feeling among the friends and family of Larry Schrader, a local man who lost a drunken dare and fell into the lions cage at the San Diego Zoo.

The fall led to a vicious attack by a male lion when Mr. Schrader fell within inches of a pregnant female. Zoo caretakers were able to free Mr. Schrader from the cage and save his life, but not before serious injury led to the amputation of the mans right arm.

"Blessed, you call this fucking blessed," said Schrader as he waved his stump angrily in the air. "Bullshit! This is not blessed. That fat bastard who’s married to Daniela Pestova, he’s blessed. That fucking cunt in Georgia who’s, like, 20 years old and won 80 million in the lottery, she’s blessed. I got eaten by a fucking lion! But, oh no, don’t let me sound ungrateful, please no, stand aside, and I’ll dance my happy dance cause I’m so blessed … oh, but wait … I cant, I forgot, I don’t have any balance anymore CAUSE I HAVE ONE FUCKING ARM!"

"I mean, what do you get, one, maybe two miracles in a lifetime, why did mine have to involve gettin flung around by a 1000 pound carnivore."

Upon reflection, Schrader did find a silver lining. "Look, fine, yes, I suppose it’s cool that I’m still alive and all that shit, but it was also cool when I didn’t have to open a beer with my cock."

Angelina Jolie

2005-01-26T17:04:00.000-06:00

I could stare at this picture for hours. And when I say "could", I mean "I just did". The last thing I remember was staring at her tongue, and then there was this blissful white light and I was in a butterscotch meadow talking to a unicorn about the true meaning of friendship. But I guess she has that effect on people. I know girls who are completely straight but would drink warm blood to get their hands on Angelina for an hour. Which is a very girly thing to do. No guy does that. No guy ever says, “Yeah, I’m no homo, but there’s just something about Gary, the way he bends over the engine block to cap the plugs on his GTO. Man, what I wouldn’t give for a piece of that.”

Guh. Just creeped myself out there a little bit.

Anyway. Here’s a super high res gallery of Angelina lookin like she could fukk you in half. click for big.

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Sharon Stone found alive in park just miles from her home

2005-01-26T17:03:00.000-06:00

(Los Angeles CA) – A man walking his dog stumbled across the remains of actress Sharon Stone Wednesday, ending a yearlong mystery as to the performers whereabouts.

Ms. Stone was spotted at a popular dog park just off Mulholland Drive in the Hollywood Hills. Ms. Stone had no dog, but sat in the middle of the twenty acre park wearing a long dark coat on a warm October day, a large 'Basic Instinct' baseball cap pulled low over her face and a pair of dark sunglasses.

The "actress" sipped from a cup of Coffee Bean coffee, trying to go about her day while avoiding a throng of imaginary fans and paparazzi.

"Yeah, it turns out that her movies suck and she’s an irritating, insufferable, ego-maniacal, self-centered, patronizing bitch, so no one was really lookin for her," said police.

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I have no idea what to call this one

2005-01-26T16:58:00.000-06:00

I gotta be honest, my original intent in linking this was to make brilliantly funny, smart-ass comments about how Playmates are actually very average and purely the result of a hundred hours of makeup, lighting and CIA level photoshopping. But it turns out I'm not that funny. And apparently they really are that hot.

Which surprised me because I read somewhere that over 100,000 pictures are taken for a Playmate pictorial. And I guess that and unbelievable skill with a camera comes in handy for the times when you have to trick people into thinking that this actually looks like this. But mostly, I was astonished at how good most of these girls look on a convention floor under natural light

And since these are pics from conventions like the AVN and Glamourcom, some of them are pretty damn funny. And by “funny”, I mean “terrifying.” Like this guy. I dont know who he is, but he's not foolin anyone.

And can anyone explain how some of the filthiest porn stars on the planet can look this good in person. How is Taylor Rain even still alive after the countless hundreds of STD’s she’s swallowed. Her body must be like a Jenga, each STD perfectly balanced with the others, somehow forming a solid pillar that can stand on its own and survive.

Anyway, here’s the full link. These pics get kinda addictive. At least if you’re a guy in his twenties with no girlfriend. Even though I’m hilarious and a tiger in the sack.

(stares at his phone, waits for it to ring...)

click

Mischa Barton and a seal. Not that one.

2005-01-24T01:44:00.000-06:00

I don’t know when exactly this page turned into some kind of a fashion gossip site but ... actually, wait ... okay, it was last Thursday, when I posted this. And since that’s apparently what I do here now, I figured I should post these too. Super high-res red carpet pics from the Golden Globes.

Natalie Portman looks like she was made in a lab. And if that came out as a compliment, I should probably rephrase it cause I didn’t mean it to. She’s obviously pretty but in a clinical kind of way, there’s nothing sexy about her. It's like I can tell she’s good looking, but I don’t care.

And Mischa Barton is the complete opposite of whatever the hell it is I just said, so here are some huge pics of her. And one of a fat angry seal. Which is no reflection on Mischa and my unhealthy attraction to her, it's just, you know, who doesn’t like fat angry seals.

I’m exhausted. Sitting on your ass all day watching football is more tiring than you might think. I'll come back and make this funny later. Or at least as funny as I get, which aint that great, so don’t wait up.

click for big :

click

Drunken prank to have friend raped by deer somehow goes wrong

2005-01-24T01:14:00.000-06:00

(Bessemer, AL) - The combination of stoned rednecks, shotguns and a case of whiskey ended in disaster over the weekend when local man David Kimmel was sodomized and shot.

"Well, we didn't start out tryin to shoot Dave, I wanna make that very clear. It just seemed like a good idea at the time," explained Randy Eisworth, a lifelong friend of Kimmels.

"Yeah," agreed Michael Shepard, the third member of the party. "it was never part of the plan, it just kinda turned out that way."

"Here's the story," Eisworth said, "we'd been huntin all day, we got back to the cabin, cleaned up, opened a couple bottles of Southern Comfort and started playin some cards. Dave could never really hold his liquor and after a couple hours, he passed out. Well, shame on em, cause that's when we dragged him out into the woods, stripped em down, rolled him on his stomach, and poured a couple bottles of 'doe-in-heat' onto his ass."

'Doe-in-Heat' is a popular hunting lore made from the urine of a female deer during the mating season. Just a few drops on the leaves of a tree will attract every male deer within several miles.

"We were just gonna video tape a deer mountin' Daves ass and then chase him off, but they started comin up right away, one after the other, there must have been about 12 of em lined up for a piece of Dave. We didn't really anticipate that. And then Dave wouldn't wake up, and the deer were pretty excited, so the first few just kinda had their way."

"Here's the thing you need to understand about when Dave finally woke up - a full sized buck will have a penis somewhere between 30 and 35 inches long, so when the fifth one rammed that thing up Daves ass, and Dave finally woke up, he looked pretty surprised. I don't think he had a full understanding of what we were tryin to do."

"So Dave starts runnin around, still pretty drunk and confused, flailing his arms around, tryin to shake the deers cock out of his ass. But the deer wasn't done, and I think he was a little surprised too, so he just kinda clung there, rockin his pelvis back and forth into Daves ass."

"I mean, we tried scarin the deer away, but nothin worked and with Dave freakin out, we felt like the only thing that was gonna work was the guns. So we grabbed our shotguns. And I think that's probably when we shot Dave by accident. Although, to be fair, if Dave had held still like we asked him, our sight line woulda been much cleaner."

Kimmel is expected to recover fully. Physically.

click

local masturbators say Anna Kournikova fake nude pictures "close enough"

2005-01-24T01:12:00.000-06:00

(Portland, OR) – Following the revelation this week that nude pictures of Anna Kournikova, prancing on the beach with Fez from "That 70's Show", were in fact forgeries, area masturbators said, "… oh God … oh God Anna … oh you little bitch … UHHHHHGGGUUUHHHH!"

When shown both the nude pictures and then the originals, renowned local masturbator Dustin Steffens said, "I’ll be with you in just a minute"

When reached for a quote several hours later, Dustin said, "The point is it looks a lot like her, the long blond hair, the flawless tan skin glistening in the sun, the tight taught body, the firm supple breasts … pardon me for a minute."

In a phone interview several hours later, Dustin continued, "It’s maybe what she would look like, if she were swimming in the ocean nakid, and that’s really the point. The pictures say ‘Anna Kournikova’ at the bottom, and they’re of a hot, tight bodied blond with her breats exposed, and the nature of the pictures, taken by a paparazzi hiding in the trees almost a quarter mile away, give them a forbidden, naughty feel. Now if you’ll excuse me."

click

Local woman stops smoking pot; thinks shes psychic

2005-01-24T01:11:00.000-06:00

(Brooklyn, NY) - When area resident Liana Miniacci kicked a ten year drug addiction last month, she had no idea what satisfaction a sober world could offer. Now that the constant, doped-up haze has been removed, the resulting clarity has been a rainbow of remembered phone numbers, kept appointments and paid bills. But the most surprising revelation has been the return of a mental acuity that even a retarded 5-year old would take for granted.

"I have these visions, I see things before they happen", Miniacci insists, "Like the other day, I couldn't find my keys, I'm walkin around, I walk into the kitchen and this image comes to me, I saw a drawer, I saw a hand dropping keys into a drawer. And I was like 'Oh My God, are my keys in this drawer?' so I open the drawer, and my keys are right there, right there on top, and I'm freakin out, it was too weird, how did I know that."

But others aren't so sure. "She's not psychic. Did that jackass tell you she's psychic. She's not," says Michael Brendon, her boyfriend for almost one year. "She found her keys cause she puts them in the same place every day. She's been clouded so long, she doesn't remember what normal is. Those aren't voices, they're called 'memories'."

Brendon continued, "No one from beyond the grave is tellin her that 'Phish' sucks. 'Phish' just sucks. These are things people know. These are things that people do. People can remember things for more than 5 minutes, they can have conversations and string together lucid thoughts. This is how the mind works. But this is all kind of new to her, so its really freakin her out."

click

Tara Reid and her implants go shopping

2005-01-20T23:49:00.000-06:00

No idea why I'm posting this. Tara Reid shopping. Also pictured : Lindsay Lohan. Not pictured : dignity, chastity and penicillin.

You know what phrase I bet is heard a lot on Tara Reids movie sets. "Hey, where’s my heroin?"

If anyone can tell me how Reid - who is 29 and a millionaire - can look more used up, drugged out and road weary than Jenna Jameson - who is 33 and a professional whore - I'm all ears. And I don’t mean 'professional whore' as some sort of euphemism, I mean she’s an actual whore. If you have 200 dollars and an AIDS test, she will fuck you. For 225, she'll do it in front of her parents.

Here's a high res pic of Jenna. Here's a high res pic of Towelie. I mean Tara. For the moment, lets ignore the fact that Tara's tits are hangin out and she's too stoned to notice. Lets also overlook the fact that her implants are awful and her nipples look like the dial on a safe. Just look at their face, the skin tone, the complexion, the general health of these two. You tell me which one looks like they've been trained a thousand times. Granted, that might not be the best example. Tip for all you debutants on the go : if you look more ragged than a girl who’s been doin porno for 10 years, things have gone wrong. You might wanna pick up some Montana brochures or somethin.

more shopping pics. click for big. if you’re into that sorta thing.

click

"O" magazine lands Oprah Winfrey for February cover

2005-01-20T23:02:00.000-06:00

(Chicago, IL) – In a landmark publishing coup, ‘O’ magazine has closed a deal that will put talk show host Oprah Winfrey of the cover of its February issue.

"We were very, very lucky to get her on the first 72 covers, but everyone was real nervous about number 73," said senior magazine editor Joyce Haynerd-Barnes-Clarrey. "She can be a bit shy at times and it seems like you have to literally push her into the spotlight."

"She’s such a stunningly beautiful woman; we shutter to think what would happen to sales if she didn’t adorn the cover each and every month."

The news of the upcoming cover traveled fast and had the streets buzzing.

"Oh yeah, this is incredibly exciting," said plumber Thompson Edis. "This new issue should fill the five minutes a day my wife’s not watching Oprahs show or Oprahs cable show or reading Oprahs books or trying to fag me up with some insane psychic ramblings she heard about in the Oprah chat room."

click

Jocks 'tough-love program' misconstrued as 'bullying'

2005-01-20T22:59:00.000-06:00

(Durham, NC) - Shock and surprise swept through the crowded corridors of Northshore High this week after computer club president Alan Dufurt accused all-state linebacker Clay Carrol of being a bully.

"My dad says I should just ignore him, and that troglodytes like him only pick on people cause they have the brains and social skills of a Borg drone," said Dufurt in a nasally whine during an interview at a local Dairy Queen. "But dad always knows just what to say, that's why he pretty much runs the Renaissance Fair every spring."

Carrol was surprised and disapointed when told of the news.

"Well I'm surprised of course, surprised and disappointed. Over the last four years, I've spent hundreds of hours beatin the shit out of that kid, often on my own time, away from school ... and now this. It almost makes me wonder if it was all worth it. I've tried to shield him from the trappings of popularity so he could focus on his academic pursuits, tried to strip him of his worldly possessions, things like pride and money and his pants, so he could open the gateways of his mind and potentially carve out a better future for all of us."

"Look, its all over for me, I've peaked," Carrol confessed. "I'm captain of the football team, I'm bangin the head cheerleader, I got a tricked out red Camaro and I just signed on for a full ride at LSU. It's all downhill from here, but there's still hope for Alan, which is why I've beaten him senseless so many, many times."

click

70% of all rape stories now begin with, "I was on vacation in Mexico..."

2005-01-20T22:27:00.000-06:00

(San Diego, CA) - New figures from the US Violent Crime Bureau reveal this week that two-thirds of all rapes take place while sorority girls from Southern California, Arizona and Texas are on spring break.

The combination of drunken girls, deviant guys and a bountiful supply of date rape drugs have come together to form a forced penetration powder-keg.

Since Mexico has no laws or capable government and the citizens are filthy sexual predators, the figures may only increase.

When asked what precautions could be taken, a government spokesman said, "Our approach to this is the same as all our views on Mexico, which is, just stay the hell out."

click

Fat, ugly girl passes out at fraternity party. Things work out fine.

2005-01-19T11:18:00.000-06:00

(Baton Rouge, LA) - Tragedy did not take place over the weekend at a Theta Xi - Phi Mu mixer when unattractive sophomore Beverly Hendricks blacked out after drinking an estimated 13 Smirnoff Ice.

"Yeah, we found her in one of the rooms, about 2:30, dead to the world, flat on her fat fuckin face," said Theta Xi president Michael Clooney. "We were gonna mess with her, you know, we thought about it, but none of us could really get into it. Someone asked me why we didn't rape her, and its weird cause ordinarily we would have, but ... its just, this is a big girl, maybe a deuce and a half, and havin sex with her just never even crossed my mind. It just woulda been more trouble than it was worth."

"Tommy (Hatchcox) was gonna take a dump on her, but he couldn't get one out and, in hindsight, I guess it woulda been a little mean. She actually just left a little while ago. Her dorm is right across the street."

did he just ...

2005-01-19T11:05:00.000-06:00

generally speaking, Europe can kiss my ass. But then, they’re the only ones who would ever air a commercial like this, and I guess there is something to be said for that.

As much as I like Europe's ad's, like this one for Ford and this one for ... I don’t know, turning gay, maybe, not to mention their very reasonable shipping costs on Chechnyan prostitutes, if you live there you have to deal with socialism constantly and genocide more often than you might think. And then you have to work up all that energy to be obsessed with everything the United States does and bitch about it, so I think I'll pass, thanks.

Aaron Carter cheats death. Nobody likes a cheater, Aaron.

2005-01-19T11:04:00.000-06:00

I’m a little slow on this one, and its not really what I do here, but :

"Carter, 17, was driving his 2004 Cadillac Escalade north to Orlando at about 12:30 a.m. when a mattress came loose from the cargo bed of a delivery truck in front of him.

Carter drove over the mattress, which got stuck under the sport utility vehicle. The singer pulled over and escaped the vehicle, then watched it explode in flames"

I’m less surprised that Carter did something this dumb, and more surprised that Escalades cant seem to drive over a mattress without exploding. Mattresses are still made out of fabric and springs, right? And feathers? There aren’t extra-fancy ones for pop stars made from sharks teeth and gunpowder, right? Well then how did ... guh ... you know what, just forget it. Better luck next time, mattress truck driver guy.

(to hate your life and question Gods plan, click here and then here)

WNBA threatens strike; bored indifference sweeps the nation

2005-01-19T11:03:00.000-06:00

(Chicago, IL) - ESPN is reporting that the players union for the WNBA will recommend a work stoppage if the existing revenue sharing agreement between the owners and the players is not renegotiated. News of the impending strike came down on the sports world like an uninterested hammer.

Fans everywhere were under whelmed, brimming with politely curious questions when told about the fragile status of the league. "Who's that?" "Who are they?" and "Girls? Really? Girls?" were just some of the comments overheard outside the league office.

Sports talk radio from coast to coast was flooded with callers, obviously overcome with grief, who distracted themselves with thoughts on the NFL playoffs and the MLB hot-stove.

"Don't get me wrong," said one caller when absolutely forced to come up with a comment, "I think its cute when girls try to do stuff, I just think they should stick to games their good at, like jump-rope or Foxy-Boxing. Or maybe the league could have a Bra-and-Panties match like the one I saw on Smackdown!"

chopping block

2005-01-19T11:02:00.000-06:00

not usually the kinda stuff I post here, but the cartoon Chopping Block is just too damn funny, and it doesn’t seem to get much notice. And I figure they could use the half-dozen stragglers who accidentally click here every month. You can find the home page here.

Local teen makes the baby Jesus cry

2005-01-18T02:27:00.000-06:00

(Bay St Louis, MS) - His motive unknown, local teen Billy Hughes went on a 'sin against God' rampage this weekend when his parents left the sexual deviant alone in the house while they took a weekend trip to Las Vegas.

Just moments after his parents had pulled out of the drive, Hughes brazenly loaded one of his many porn videos into the living room VCR, instead of his bedroom player, which had always been the norm. Minutes later, and for the rest of the weekend, tears flowed in heaven as the baby Jesus cried and cried and cried and cried and cried for the next two days, virtually nonstop, only resting to eat, sleep and rewind the tape.

Having planned the romantic weekend alone with himself days in advance, Hughes was able to top his own personnel best for the fifth deadly sin in a 48 hour period, narrowly topping the time he had mono and was bedridden for a week.

the ten coolest trailers ever

2005-01-12T01:19:00.000-06:00

Most movies suck, I think we can all agree on that. But even Renny Harlan can patch together 2 minutes of cool gunplay and funny jokes if you give him 100 million dollars and 50 pounds of coke. And since blogs are nothing if not self important rambling, I give to you the 10 best trailers ever made.

The only real criteria here was ‘no Ben Stiller’, which pains me because, when I was a kid, the Ben Stiller Show on Fox was the best sketch comedy I’d ever seen. Now he’s about as funny as a dead Christmas puppy. He went from brilliant to retarded in a matter of months. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

So, with that insightful intro out of the way, I give you the list :

10. Sin City - this one should probably be ranked higher. Or maybe not at all. It's hard to tell cause it's brand new and I'm not sure if it really is that good or I if was tricked into thinking so by Jessica Albas hips. What I do know is that it's got a cool score, a great spot use of color and the most interesting cinematography since Fight Club. Bruce Willis may be the biggest actor in the world who consistently does smaller parts. And it’s probably no coincidence that this is one of three appearances on the list for Benicio del Toro. Or maybe it is, what am I, a genius?

On a side note, Mr. and Mrs. Smith could maybe be in this spot too. I saw a study on TV once that said that Angelina Jolie is so insanely hot, when she walks down the street, people actually die.

- put on baggier pants and watch Sin City here -

9. Titanic - Like porno, the vast majority of Titanic is badly written, badly acted and about as seductive as the hokey pokey. But then …

it happens …

the money shot. And its fukkin amazing. And sitting in the dark listening to teen-age girls cry for the past two hours has all been worth it. And if you think that last reference was to porno, you should start running, cause the cops are probably at your door. The trailer is pretty much a microcosm of the movie : boring, boring, boring … and then the iceberg … and then its absolutely fukkin amazing. When a trailer can make your palms sweat, it's working.

- click here to relive the magic. And then go play with your
dolls, cause you’re a fag -

8. Reservoir Dogs - I don’t love Tarantino as much as some people, certainly not as much as he loves himself. He can't act, he’s not nearly as funny as he thinks he is, and he’s not foolin anyone by ripping off all those Hong Kong movies. But like Puff Daddy in his early 90's prime, the stuff Tarantino cut and pastes together can be pretty damn great. And none better than Reservoir Dogs. Cool style, cool music and shockingly violent. One of the very few trailers that come out with the red band.

- do a little dance and click here -

7. Heat - would probably be higher if not for the fawning voice over, some guy talkin about Pacino and De Niro like they’re gonna shield him from the rapture. Not that they aren’t brilliant here, they are. And god almighty is this thing beautiful. Film can be art, this proves it. Michael Mann could be Terrence Malick if he were boring and in love with exposition. He even kept the cast out of make-up to keep the look real. Great score by Moby and a glimpse of the best gun fight ever put on film.

- I do what I do best. I take scores.
You do what you do best and click here -

6. the Matrix Reloaded and the Matrix Revolutions - yeah, yeah, yeah, 2 and 3 sucked. Fine. Whatever. But every geek and future schoolyard assassin in the world jumped out of his trench coat the instant they saw that green font and the quick cut of Neo. Which reminds me, I know two girls who broke into Keanu Reeves house in Malibu cause they were so in love with him. Two of 'em. Meanwhile I cant even get a chick to make me a fukkin sandwich. Anyway. This is a great teaser trailer. It says a lot without sayin a thing. You can bitch about the the Wachowski Brothers if you want, but they were ambitious here and they didn’t dumb anything down. Which is normally what people say they want.

- make a list of classmates who are mean to you and
revel in the violence here -

5. Man on Fire - Hollywood doesn’t make many revenge movies. Payback and Kill Bill are the only ones that leap to mind. And why would they when it brings them such joy to bludgeon me in the nuts with Meet the Parents 2 and American Pie 5. Personally, I'd rather go see x-rays of a malignant tumor in my colon than watch crap like that, but I have eclectic taste.

And at least we got this one, Man on Fire, and while the movie itself was less than great, the trailer was angry as hell and perfect in every way. Denzel acting like a hard ass, Christopher Walken acting like Christopher Walken, punch you in the mouth dialogue from the great Brian Helgeland and Tony Scott lensing action that rivals anything big brother Ridley has ever done.

- cap some Mexicans by clickin here. What, thats offensive?
I capitalized 'Mexican'. Oh, the other part... -

4. the Usual Suspects - when you were a kid and your parents told you not to talk to strangers, they weren't talking about fireman and librarians, they were talking about Benicio del Toro in the Usual Suspects. Wouldn't he look completely in his element standing at the edge of a playground, one hand holding a puppy, the other buried way too deep in his pocket? None of that explains why he’s 30 and looks 60, but it doesn’t not not explain it either. Wait, what...

Even with a really good ensemble cast, the star of this thing is the writing of Christopher McQuarrie. For two hours, we watch Verbal Kint lie, cheat, steal, he even shoots an unarmed man in the face, and yet we still find it hard to think of him as a bad guy. Thats good writing. "Oswald was a fag" is one of the better lines ever written. McQuarie even makes Kevin Pollack seem funny, and that cant be easy.

- hear that it was Keyser Soze 1500 times by clicking here -

3. The Virgin Suicides (teaser trailer) - this trailer has to be great since I absolutely despise Kirsten Dunst, with her little pebble teeth and her giant garbage-pail-kid head. The only thing I like about her is her haircut, and that’s only cause it makes her look like a boy, which is more honest than trying to pass her off as a girl. I heard she banged Nic Cage, the one pulse in Hollywood uglier than she is. Thats great. I hope they get married. That kid would have hooves.

Wow, I actually had to scroll up to remember what I was writing about. Virgin Suicides, got it. Okay, this thing is insanely beautiful. The music is dreamy and a perfect match for the images and pace and style Sofia Coppala put together. Really gorgeous work here. And its always cool to see people like Josh Hartnett (oops, I mean Hot-nett, giggle, wink) and Hayden Christensen in early work.

- get sleepy by clicking here -

I feel compelled to mention Daredevil in this spot too, since it was another teaser that was perfect, exactly what it should have been. Jennifer Garner has better lips than Angelina Jolie, if for no other reason than they never been wrapped around Billy Bob Thornton. And her ass is listed somewhere between tungsten and diamond on the chemical hardness scale. Can anyone explain how the action in a 30 second teaser can be more coherent and better cut than in a two hour movie. How does that happen? And the score here is better than anything in the movie too. In fact, the score here is pretty damn great.

2. Fight Club - a perfect trailer. Dust Brothers. Pixies. Chuck Palahniuk and Andrew Kevin Walker. An unexplainably sexy Helena Bonham Carter and an unexplainably underrated Brad Pitt. All helmed by the unrivaled brilliance of David Fincher. It pains me to this day that for five glorious minutes, 'Spiderman' was in the hands of Fincher and Walker, with Wes Bentley set to play the lead. Instead we got a two hour Dawsons Creek that was so overly bright and cheery it makes Starlight Express look like a damn snuff film. But I digress…

The first rule has the second best trailer ever. Only this low because of Ed ‘Im average in every way’ Norton.

- I want you to click here as hard as you can.
( Christ that was lame. youre supposed to stop me before I make an ass out of myself, you know ) -

1. the Way of the Gun - one of the great unappreciated movies in my lifetime. Brilliant in every fukkin way, including the best trailer ever cut, the only one here I’m absolutely positive is in the right spot. Christopher McQuarrie directed the best thing he ever wrote, and he kept it hard, the way he wanted Usual Suspects to be.

Del Toro may be the coolest fukkin guy on earth. Seriously. They should give tours of his boyhood home. And Ryan Phillippe may be even cooler. Julliette Lewis is great, although I have no idea how one second I can think she's really hot and the next I'm ashamed of myself for wanting to fukk a retarded girl.

There’s really nothing more I can say about how great this thing is, so I'll just point out that the second song in the trailer is 'redefine' by Incubus. And if you think smokin a pound of chronic everyday won't grind down all of your edge and ambition, listen to how intense Incubus sounded just a few years ago and then compare it to the James Taylor cover band they’ve turned into today.

- step off the path -
Windows Media
click 'movie preview' under the poster -
RealPlayer
scroll half way down. sorry, best I could find online

some other cool trailers that probably could have made the list :

Seven - this trailer is actually surprisingly average, but its Seven, so I put it up here. I read somewhere that this was voted the best trailer of all time. I think they said Seven. It might have been something else. I’m not really that smart.

Airplane - this stuff is still insanely funny to me, but its really only here to show how much trailers have changed. This came out in 1980, and the pacing here seems painfully slow, actual scenes in a trailer, it's almost unthinkable today, especially in a comedy.

Lord of the Rings : Return of the King - another trailer that you know is really really great cause I didn’t like the movies at all. And I know I’m alone in that. I just found them long and dull and couldn’t get past the inherent geekiness of it all. Not to mention the "gay cowboys eating pudding" feel between Sam and Frodo. But this thing is beautiful, no doubt about it.

Star Wars Episode II : Attack of the Clones - I have to admit, that son of a bitch tricked me with this one. I heard that great opening music, saw those cool new worlds, the Jango Fett stuff and then that great money shot at the end. Lucas may be the only director in the world who could make all that boring.

By the way, I would have linked this in the larger format, but you need Quicktime Pro to watch it. Cause apparently Lucas and Steve Jobs are just scraping by in life and need your 30 dollars to watch a trailer. The next movie should just be called Star Wars, Episode III : Fukk You.

Vanilla Sky - really kind of annoying until the last minute, when the Chemical Brothers kick in and the editing gets quick and suddenly it’s great. I never did see this movie. Apparently I'm not alone in that.

Punch Drunk Love - should be here if only for that 'he needed me' song, which I cant get out of my head for days after I hear it. If anyone knows what that song is, I'd love for you to tell me. And Sandler yelling, "ow, ow, ow." I could watch that for days. And the great Philip Seymour Hoffman. Fragments. I write in.

True Lies - I forgot how cool the last hour of this movie is. I also forgot how cool James Cameron is since he turned into Steve Zisou, but this trailer reminded me.

Unleashed - this probably has no business being here, cause if its affiliated with Luc Besson, its guaranteed mediocrity. But its Jet Li doing cool Jet Li stuff. And Morgan Freeman and Bob Hoskins are great in everything. Having a score by Massive Attack doesn’t hurt. Although I liked the movie more when it was called 'Danny the Dog'. ('dog', 'unleashed' - get it! oh Luc, youve done it again!)

Moulin Rouge - A musical! About a poet! In Paris! What’s not to love? I'll spare you straining for a joke and admit right now that, for a straight guy, I'm way too into Moulin Rouge. But this thing really was completely different and beautiful and creative and engaging, so yeah, its on the list.

A Life Less Ordinary - this movie was ignored from the start, and I'll never understand why. Maybe it was just too different and Danny Boyle had just done ‘Trainspotting’, so no one knew what to think, but I’ve always loved this movie. And watching this reminds me how much I like Delroy Lindo. Which I probably shouldnt say just after admitting I like Moulin Rouge.

South Carolina enters war on terror; local 'Muslim' arrested; "He gotta be guilty'a somethin," say police

2005-01-09T01:03:00.000-06:00

(Charleston SC) - Local police entered the nations 'War On Terror' Sunday when they learned of and promptly arrested local man Khallil Mussa Stanna-somethin-somethin. Police assume the likely terrorist has been scheming and plotting the demise of America since first arriving here in 1977.

"Hug you little'ns tonight folks, hug em tight" said police chief J. Maynard Thomas. "Cause we got ourselves us a terrorist, just like the ones on the TV. And he all wiley lookin too, brown and shifty eyed, like a wolf ... a dirty wolf ... with a beard ... and glasses ... a muddy wolf with glasses and a beard, that’s what we got."

Mr. Mussa Stanna-somethin-somethin has been living in South Carolina for almost 25 years, first as a scholarship student at USC, where he received his doctrine in chemical engineering. The assumed mad-mans reign of terror continued as he got a position at Dow Chemical, where he secretly worked under a secret veil of secrecy until 1994, when he took a job at the Mercedes-Benz plant in Spartanburg.

The diabolical Mussa Stanna has no criminal record or history of radical ties, a background that Chief Thomas was quick to explain. "That's to trick ya. That's what they do. This Mustaffa (*) fella been here 40 years, plottin, creepin, waitin to strangle the old people and eat our young'n's."

And although Mr. Mussa Stanna-somethin-somethin has denied all charges, the evidence in his cell seems damning. The accused has been seen dressed in traditional Muslim garb, with a copy of the Koran and a traditional rug used for kneeling and prayer to his evil anti-American god.

"These aren't my clothes, they dressed me like this," Mussa claimed, "and this isn't my copy of the Koran ... its not even the Koran, its a TV Guide, and someone wrote 'the Koran' on the cover with a sharpie. And I'm not Muslim, I've been a deacon at the First Methodist Church for ten years," Mussa went on to probably lie.

"That's to trick ya," Chief Thomas nobly insisted, "that's what they do."

( * - editors note : ‘Mustaffa’ is Simbas dad from the 'Lion King'. we at 'the santas little helper' believe that Chief Thomas meant Mr. Mussa-Stanna and not the cartoon lion )

Upcoming 'Daredevil' movie expected to be boost for the blind. Except they can't ... well, you know, they can't, ummm ... you know

2005-01-08T23:58:00.001-06:00

(Los Angeles, CA) - The teaser trailer for 'Daredevil' hit the web this week and it's already generating cool reviews from film geeks and fanboys alike. The movie, unique because of its physically disabled hero, has received rave reviews from many sight challenged Americans who graciously choose to ignore the cruel, cruel irony involved.

"I love the idea of a blind action hero, and it sounds just great," said Daniel Potter, a spokesman for 'Sight Unseen', a research center for the visually impaired in Santa Monica. "The score is cool, there's this whooshing sound, which I think is Daredevil fighting with his cane, then there's a different whooshing sound, which I heard was Electra whipping out her swords. I bet she’s really pretty. People with the gift of sight should really enjoy it."

And star Ben Affleck seems eager to promote the film. "The idea came up to have a big screening at 'Sight Unseen', but, like 2 seconds later the obvious problems to that kind of occurred to all of us." Affleck said. He did not go on to add, "Christ, the parking alone woulda been a fuckin’ train wreck."

But not all the anticipation is positive.

"In the sense that I'm dreading it, yeah, I guess you could say I'm looking forward to it," said Brian Griffin, who is blind. "I already had one jackass throw a pool ball at me. Apparently this happened in one of the comics. I think I was supposed to spin to the side, twirl my cane like a Jedi and bat the ball like a Bonds home run. But it turns out, I'm not a bionic acrobat, so I stood there having a conversation and got hit in the teeth with a cue ball. The pain was fuckin insufferable. So I cant wait for the movie, people gonna be heaving swords at me, then look surprised when I stand there and get sliced in half."

New ad for prescription medicine to feature Pride fighting cage match

2005-01-08T23:58:00.000-06:00

(Manhattan, NY) - The new ad campaign for the genital herpes medication Clearinal launches later this week and will try to improve upon the familiar trend of prescription ads seen on TV and in magazines.

"A lot of the new meds," said company spokesman Ned Gabanna, "try to explain how you can still lead a full, exciting life. Snowboarding in a wheat field, tae-bo in a meadow, skeet shooting in a classroom and so on. Well, we want people to know that even if they have type-2 herpes, you can live a normal life, even to the point of winning an extreme fighting hardcore title."

"Just a few years ago, genital herpes would have been a debilitating, embarrassing infection. But now, there's nothing to hide and nothing you cant do."

Guy in bar much smarter than Ty Willingham

2005-01-08T23:55:00.000-06:00

(South Bend, IN) - In what could be a make or break year for Notre Dame head football coach Ty Willingham, local man Darrel Drums has turned up the heat with a mumbled and poorly thought out plan for winning football.

"I tell you the god-dammed problem, god-dammed guy aint got no balls, he need to better, call better plays ... where they score! I remember ... the other guy ... you look like him ... he was ... ya know, not all this faggot runnin left and right and backwards and turnin the ball to the other. Touchdowns ... is the problem. Not me, though, not when me, you wait ... I'll show you fuckers. Kiss MY ass ... is what you can do."

As of press-time, Coach Willingham, who has played or coached football everyday for the past 45 years, had not yet released a comment to address Drums biting critique.

Strangely, Drums, who has been a sales rep at Blue Bunny ice cream for almost a year, has not been contacted by Notre Dame Athletic Director Thomas Wingate. "Even though Mr. Drums has a clear and commanding knowledge of the myriad problems facing the Irish football program, we have no plans at this time of stealing him away from Blue Bunny and replacing Coach Willingham."

Ummm ... why is Catherine Zeta Jones doing cellular commercials?

2005-01-08T01:12:00.000-06:00

(Eden Prairie, MN) - "Uh, did the acid just kick in … or did I just see Catherine Zeta Jones in a phone commercial. And, mind you, not a funny, ironic phone commercial but a vague, confusing, pointless phone commercial. What the hell? Five minutes ago, she was the hottest piece of ass on the planet. Her contemporaries were Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman. Now its the "can you hear me now" guy.

I mean, I kinda understand that her confidence cant be great because Laura Elena Harding is like a younger, hotter, sluttier version of her, and that has to suck, but Jesus, cell phone ads? Maybe next she can be the voice of the BK Value Menu. What was the point in marrying that mummy if she still has to whore herself out to commercials?

Oh, and just so were clear, on a scale of 1 - 10, I would fukk Catherine Zeta Jones a good hard 9, but there's no one in hell 'T mobile' is gonna make it. No way, no how, regardless of how bad I wanna bang the spokes model. Even without Zeta Jones, the commercials are dumb and confusing. All I want from my phone company is free nights and weekends. I don't wanna learn Italian so I can blow some guy in a coffee shop, I just want free nights and weekends. Give me that and 1000 anytime minutes, and I'll follow you to hell and back."

Home Depot now open 24-hours; “I’m fuckin terrified”, says source

2004-12-31T01:24:00.000-06:00

(Marina Del Rey, CA) - Police and local lawmakers found themselves in a quandary recently when the home improvement giant changed its hours of operation. Now open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, customers are free to shop for what they need, when they need it - which is where the problem begins.

"Look man, no ones buying garden knomes and Ralph Lauren paint at two in the morning on a Friday, okay,” said one overnight clerk who wished to remain anonymous. “It's psychos in hip boots and goggles, franticly searchin for shovels and quicklime."

"People only go shopping in the middle of the night if it’s an emergency, and what kind of emergency needs steel drums and cement mix. What kind of problems do these people have that a chainsaw, a porcelain tub and acid can fix," said the stout blond teen.

"It’s bad enough during the day when we got these (Arab-Americans) buyin electric timers, blasting caps and PVC pipe," the pock-marked source continued. "Gee, I wonder what the (Arab-Americans) are doin with that?"

"I’m scared for my fuckin life here, these people see me, they know I see them, I got my fuckin name on my shirt, I'm a witness, fuck, maybe even an accessory," said the source, whose nametag says ‘Scott’.

"And my manager wonders why I'm always stoned; it’s the only thing that calms my shattered fuckin nerves."

Area car dealer overstocked! Announces ‘Dealin Days!’

2004-12-31T01:20:00.000-06:00

(Blair, NE) - A clerical error has local auto-superstore Tyson Motors overstocked, forcing the auto giant to slash prices to the bone.

"Friends, our lots are full and the time to deal is NOW," said sales manager Dominick ‘the dominator’ Klein. "The 2005 models are just around the corner and we’ve still got too many 2004’s, no reasonable offer will be refused, Prices May Never Be This Low Again!"

And industry experts agree. "This is a stunning mistake," said automotive analyst Tommy Porter. "You’d think they would realize that the lot can only hold so many cars, and then order that amount. It’s amazing. Now they’re oversold and now they gotta deal. You can bet heads are gonna roll for this one."

Rufus Sweater, an independent father of six, was swept up in the once of a lifetime savings. "Shit, buyin a 2005 Navigator with leather, DVD and GPS aint never even crossed my mind, but prices may never be this low again, and Id’a been a damn fool not to buy one today, and my daddy didn’t raise no damn fool."

When asked if he had reservations about buying a $70,000 SUV, just months after moving into a $60,000 home, Sweater said, "Well, we may have to dilute Britney-Ann’s insulin for a month or two, but if there’s a problem, we’ll just give her a candy bar. Or not give her a candy bar, however that works."

Homeless man wonders why no one else is wearing their pith helmet and snorkel

2004-12-31T01:17:00.000-06:00

(Santa Monica, CA) - Long time 3rd Street Promenade resident Warren Ducket has seen trends come and go in the ten years he’s been a dirty homeless vagrant, but the more he sees, the less he understands. And not just because of the psychosis, alcoholism, disease and malnutrition.

"Look at 'em! A hot day, don’t even got helmets on," Ducket mumbled while admiring the stained and broken brim on his pith-style helmet. "Not me though, I got. And what it can do too. God-Damn Teddy Roosevelt, That’s Who! Me! No lions on me! Jack-asses. Is what they are! Fuck ‘em. The people."

It’s believed Ducket found the safari-style hat while rummaging through the dumpster behind Banana Republic several years ago. The snorkel was probably left behind on the beach, which is just a few blocks from the outdoor mall.

"All this water," Ducket went on to babble incoherently while demonstrating the snorkel, "gotta breathe, can’t water and not breathe can you. Swimmin. In the water. Gotta! Protect ya from the sharks and cops. Too much of it. Kill em. Just like Teddy."

Dexatrim and Pantene mix proven better than Viagra for erectile dysfunction

2004-12-31T01:16:00.000-06:00

(Seattle , WA) - A common suburban scene that played out recently may lead to a breakthrough in the treatment of impotency. Research scientist Dennis Haugue remembers the moment well.

"I was working in the garage one day, watching a Mariners game - I remember Ichiro just ran out a triple - and my wife comes out to grab another pint of Ben and Jerry's. I don’t know if our fukkin freezer makes Ben and Jerrys or what, but we never seem to run out. And that’s when I had my epiphany, I remember thinking, 'you know, I had no trouble getting a hard-on when she weighed 115.'

And so the theory began.

"When we first got married," Haugue continued, "and her hair was dirty blond and down to her ass and her stomach was flat as a board, my dick got hard enough to cut glass. Then, slowly, gradually, everything kinda went to hell. Those 5 pounds a year, after ten years, don't exactly have me ripping her clothes off. I still run 30 miles a week, keeps me pretty trim, got a decent tan. She’ll sit on that damn couch for hours and not move, layin there in a lump like she fell out of a plane."

"And the fact that she has a twin brother, and with her new dyke hair cut she looks just like him, that's not making me any hornier."

"So, as I'm mulling this over in my mind, I'm thinking, maybe the problems not with me. Maybe, just maybe, its normal to not be so excited about fuckin a woman who, at this point, looks nothing like the girl I married."

Local man witnesses mother and young black boyfriend in adult novelty store; man kills self; friends and family totally understand

2004-12-31T01:10:00.000-06:00

(Springfield, MA) - A chance encounter resulted in the suicide of local man James Barnes this past Monday when he happened upon his mother and her new lover as they left the 'Glad-He-Ate-Her', a store dedicated to adult videos and products.

Barnes apparently rocketed through the first four steps of grief as he was instantly overwhelmed with anger, depression, fear and hopelessness. After a quick and mostly incoherent call to his home, Barnes drove off the Springfield Bridge.

"What we can ascertain from the phone call," said Springfield Chief of Police Scott Poignot, "is that Ms. Pamela Barnes (the mother of James Barnes) and her new boyfriend, who goes by the name Filthy D, left the store hand in hand, and Mr. Filthy climbed behind the wheel of a black BMW M3 convertible, a car that is still registered to Mr. Harrison Barnes, the late husband of Ms. Barnes and father of James Barnes. Harrison Barnes passed away two weeks ago after a three year battle with cancer."

Mental health experts agree that James Barnes did the right thing.

"Yeah, it's probably for the best," said clinical psychologist Drew Pinsky. "The mind can only handle so much atrocity before complete collapse, and the images that had to be in his mind must have been just horrific, and they would have lasted forever, no amount of therapy would have purged that, so ... he's in a better place now, no matter what the afterlife holds in store for him."

New police drama to feature cop who "plays by his own rules."

2004-12-31T01:04:00.000-06:00

(Universal City, CA) - A street-wise cop and a 'by-the-book' detective may seem like an unlikely pairing for a police drama, but that's exactly what a new show promises this fall.

'Coffee and Donuts', from creator Aaron Glenn Hall, will team up straight-laced veteran detective Paul Coffee with wise-cracking Tony 'donuts' Danetti, in an unpredictable and exciting hour of groundbreaking television.

"It seems like all the cop shows today," said Hall, "feature cops going through proper channels and following procedure. What I wanted to see was a cop who plays by his own rules, who gets results, even if you don't always agree with his methods."

"This is a guy who doesn't care about politics," Hall continued. "Heck, half the time he's got the chief of police, the D.A. and the mayor breathing down his neck, but he doesn't care. He's busy ribbing Coffee about bein 'tied to a desk' and bein a 'paper-pusher'. But the show isnt all about zingers. The guy is fearless. He doesn't care about losing his 'shield' or his 'piece', which is cop slang for 'gun', he just cares about the kids and gettin drugs off the street.

Japanese heavy metal band wants to know; "are you weady to wock?"

2004-12-31T01:02:00.000-06:00

(Pasadena, CA) - As the latest import to sneak onto the shores of California, Japanese supergroup 'Loudness' began a 15-date club tour to introduce their hard-rockin sound to an American audience.

Getting their start at the 'KROQ Almost Acustic Christmas', lead singer Ichiro Yamahama whipped the crowd into a frenzy with his commanding stage presence. "Ha-row Wos Angewes," Yamahama screamed. "We are ... Woudness, and we wanna know - ARE YOU WEADY TO WOCK!"

In between time spent slaughtering dolphins and masturbating to violent porn, the Japanese have found time to delve into American-style hard rock. Not content to just plaster 'hello kitty' stickers onto every inch of the country, many Japanese teen girls have immersed themselves in the music of American stars like KoRn, Andrew W.K. and Incubus.

"Me wove Eminem," screamed one pigtailed future bukakki star. "Him got big wound eyes and spiky bwond hair. He wook wike G.I. who bomb my grandpas willage and steal my grandma! Eminem wules!"

disclaimer

2004-12-30T03:16:00.000-06:00

Okay. Ummm … according to some of the e-mails I’ve gotten, I need to clarify something. If it wasn’t clear before, this is all just a bunch of crap I made up (*). The news stories, anything you see with a dateline, is just stuff I made up to practice writing and make my friends laugh. Now, granted, none of my friends do laugh because they’re imaginary, but one is a wily but noble Indian savage who doesn’t even speak English, so I’m not sure he should count.

The pics I post are lifted form the net, in the public domain to the best of my knowledge. Any real stories will be linked. Any dumb little commentary is all mine, for better or worse. And if you can’t figure out which is which, what stories are real, which ones are fake, then how did you even get online?

(*) except for the one about me and Randy tryin to get Dave raped by a deer. That one is mostly true. Except we didn’t shoot him. Actually we did shoot him but that was on a different trip. And we only shot him a little. The one about my girlfriend thinking she was psychic after giving up pot is mostly true too. And I did have a Crow Indian friend named Jonathon Takes Enemy. Wow, this blog got really cathartic somehow.

helper dog

2004-12-30T01:03:00.001-06:00

Nobody asked, but the ‘Santas Little Helper’ in “the Santas Little Helper” is my dog. And yeah, Barts dog on the Simpson’s too. I don’t have any kids or anything because I only have sex with international supermodels and they’re all too strung out and anorexic to get pregnant, so its pretty much just me and Helper.

She’s a great dog, a Dutch Shepherd, a very rare breed to be found in the U.S. Which makes me sound cooler than I am, cause I found her in Vegas, a few blocks north of the Luxor. She was just sittin there. In some kids yard. At the end of a leash. With a red bow around her neck and some card sayin “Happy Birthday Timmy”, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. I would have asked around to see if anyone knew her but there was this big commotion in the back yard - yelling and clapping, jugglers and clowns - it was a real freak show, and I knew I had to get her to safety as soon as possible, so we took off and never looked back.

testing

2004-12-29T22:51:00.000-06:00

umm, first post. and this is what I decided to say