the santas little helper

Dont even bother

2005-07-17T22:55:00.000-05:00

If anyone just kind of stumbled onto page, don’t bother hanging around. I haven’t updated in months. I wrote most of theSuperficial.com from February to July, then started up IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com and WWTDD.com. But I don’t want to feel your time was wasted here, so here are some pictures of Marissa Miller topless. Cause isn’t that what life is all about. At least that’s what my mom used to say. “Brendon,” she would say, “life is all about seeing Marisa Miller topless.“ She is so wise.

Ben Affleck doesnt care

2005-06-26T22:36:00.000-05:00

If there one thing I hate more than robots from the future who try to kill me - and I fuckin hate robots from the future who try to kill me - it’s idiots who chain smoke around pregnant women. And Jennifer Garner is clearly pregnant at this point. And based on that cloud of smoke around Ben Affleck, he’s either a magic dragon or he’s smoking five cigarettes at a time. I’m no filthy hippy who freaks out about second hand smoke, but I also acknowledge that there’s probably a reason gynecologists don’t insert a pipe filled with rich tobacco during prenatal exams.

not really an update...

2005-02-19T00:16:00.000-06:00

despite what it looks like. If anyone just stumbled onto this by clicking that 'next blog' thing, know that most of this page is content I wrote for the Superficial this past week. I probably should write new stuff or at least make this intro funnier, but if I were that brilliant, I'd be banging a bunch of Playmates, not writing a blog.

Marisa Miller nekkid

2005-02-19T00:15:00.000-06:00

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out this week, which is as good a reason as any to dredge up the fact that supermodel Marisa Miller, who this year makes her fourth straight appearance in SI, began her career as a nude model for magazines like Perfect 10. Sadly - and I’m not proud of this - I sometimes use that against her when we quarrel. I know its not cool, but, dammit Marisa, since when does ‘medium’ mean ‘medium rare’! COOK IT AGAIN!

(you can click for real big on the one up top too)

*update* - someone sent in this link for the Marisa Miller Perfect 10 video. If you’re okay with watching insanely hot 19 year olds prance around naked, you might wanna click.

click

Britney Spears is fat

2005-02-19T00:12:00.000-06:00

.

Thanks to Suzie for sending in these horrifying images of Britney Spears and making it impossible for me to masturbate tonight. And thanks to Britney too. It’s nice to see you smoking and drinking in front of your core audience of 12 year old girls. Maybe later you can go to Disneyland and rip off Mickey’s head. Or, you know what, fuck it, just go ahead and slaughter a unicorn right there on the deck. Dance in it's blood. Those kids are gonna cry themselves to sleep tonight anyway, why not just take thier innocence once and for all.

And, nobody asked, but these were taken at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey, where I used to work until they fired me for being too handsome. I’m not really sure why she would be hanging out there, but I don’t have a good explanation for why she put on two hundred pounds either.

You can see even more of this gallery here, at what appears to be a Britney fan site, which completely fuckin baffles me. By the way, when you're so in love with cigarettes you don't even put them down to go swimming, it might be time for the patch.

click

Ben Affleck is Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

2005-02-19T00:11:00.000-06:00

.

This story is pretty old but it showed up in the inbox and I’m too lazy to look up my own stuff. My intent was to post the funny picture and then call Affleck a dick for twenty minutes, but then I realized I don’t really think he is a dick. I know I’m supposed to hate him like everyone else, but how should he live this great life he’s been handed? Is he supposed to not bang Elektra when she shows up at his door. I can’t honestly say I've ever had sex with Jennifer Garner, but I have masturbated to this twice in the last 10 minutes. And I gotta tell you, it was pretty hot.

Yeah, he's wildly overpaid and a little too proud of himself, but I’m an insufferable dick even without a hundred strangers and sycophants telling me how wonderful I am every day. I usually only get like ninety. Granted, they’re all imaginary, and one is a wily but noble Indian savage who doesn’t even speak English, but I’m pretty sure he’s a big fan.

you can click for big on the pic, by the way. if youre into that sorta thing.

click

hard and fast

2005-02-19T00:10:00.000-06:00

A couple of quick links here sent in by the urbane and attractive readers who are a hell of a lot better at finding stuff like this than I am. In my defense, that’s mostly because the day room here in the prison still has a dial-up connection and I only get an hour a day online. Most of the big stuff I post is written while on parole, but when you’re a hard mother fucker raised on the streets like me, those gates are just a revolving door.

The Lindsay Lohan Barbie Doll: If I were Lindsay Lohan, I’d be asking if I really can lead a normal life while taking Valtrex. But more to the point of this link, I'd be pissed because this doll looks like they just got Arial and that kid from lil’ Pimp to fuck. Better pic here.

Kelly Clarkson has acne on her back: So I said, “Kelly honey, you should take a shower, that stuff will clog your pores.” And Kelly says, “But I want a reminder of our night together.” Well pumpkin, you got one.

Nicole Kidman says something lucid and reasonable. Oh, uh, never mind.

Matt Dillon down with the swirl: If you’re like me, you’ll notice that the guy in the picture doesn’t look anything like Matt Damon. But if you’re like me, you’re an idiot who can't read headlines right. Bio for the girlfriend here.

The Kris Kross homepage: I know some people have had a hard time getting on to The Superficial lately. You won't have that problem here. In fact, about ten minutes after I clicked here for the first time, they knocked on my door. Asked me if I needed any yard work done. Be sure to check out the remarkably patronizing ‘tour info’ link.

That’s all for now. Oh, and that picture of Marisa Miller up top? That really had nothing to do with anything, except to declare my unquenchable love for Marisa Miller.

click

Paris and Nicole. no, the hot one.

2005-02-19T00:09:00.000-06:00

Lot of talk today about the Paris Hilton cell phone hack. It seems a lot of people are entertained as hell by dialing disconnected numbers for c-list celebrities, but I was a little more interested in the pictures. Don’t most people have pictures of other people on their cell phones, not just themselves? If she would have been making out with playmate Nicole Lenz in all those pics I wouldn’t be complaining, but sadly, a lot of them were apparently taken at the zoo or something.

Anyway, all I really cared about from this are the pics of her and Nicole Lenz, and I figure that’s all you care about too, so here are some stills of the infamous lesbian porn tape (her porns are getting hard to keep track of) that Paris made. Appropiate has-been Simon Rex must have paid close attention while making gay porn in the early nineties, because he’s the one filming this. I remember there were a lot of questions about his sexuality when the gay porn stuff came out, allegations he vehemently denied. Well, there are two hot chicks fucking each other about three feet away and all he does is watch. Dont you people have a fucking tripod. Or a chair, slide a table over, something - they broke out a a strap on, didn’t that tell you anything. It’s a bitter fuckin irony that gay guys are seemingly involved in hotter three ways than I am.

Anyway, here are some stills of the video and a gallery of Nicole Lenz from Playboy.

*update* so it seems the girl on the cell phone is Latin MTV VJ Eglantina Zingg and not Lenz as widely reported early on, but since it took forever to host and post all this stuff, I'm keeping it up.

click

Love Hewitt gets new show

2005-02-18T22:28:00.000-06:00

I’m totally ok admitting that I don’t understand the Oxygen channel. It’s television for women, but every time I flip through there it’s some movie about a woman getting her ass beat. Why that’s entertaining, I’m not sure, but what has been entertaining is my brilliant lead-in to mention that Jennifer Love Hewitt has a new show on there. I’d rather watch a video of the inbred at my Starbucks pissin in the coffee I’m drinking right now than watch a romantic comedy on the Oxygen channel, but hey, I have eclectic taste. And really, all this was just an excuse to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt pictures for an hour without my girlfriend scratching my fuckin eyes out. I'll take my chances writing this article because like every other supermodel, my girlfriend is no genius. Even when she's sober she can barely read. I likes ‘em dumb!

click

the Grammy Awards

2005-02-18T22:22:00.000-06:00

I really hope no one showed up here Monday morning looking for the most comprehensive Grammy coverage, because the dusty mummies who run those awards have made them so completely irrelevant, I didn’t even realize they were on. Luckily citylimitsgrl (and that may be an alias) is more aware than I am. It seems the show this year was a typically raucous affair, with a dead man sweeping just about every category. I would take Ray Charles over just about everybody, but I find that a little suspect. Frankly I’m amazed that the fossils in charge even want black people to vote much less win their biggest awards, so I guess I have to give them some credit.

And apparently recording artist Britney Spears now has half as many Grammy’s as money shot artist Bill Clinton. Well done, Britney. Well done. I realize you were never all about the music, mostly your job was to be fuckable, but you’re not doing too great at that lately either.

Oh well, whatever, the Grammy’s have been dead to me for years and they’re gonna stay that way until I see the Dandy Warhols on stage with so much gold it’ll be an affront to God.

Starz to air Catwoman

2005-02-18T22:21:00.000-06:00

As part of their tribute to Black History Month, Starz is running Catwoman, which is a great choice cause that movie really gets to the heart of the black experience. They should probably only air it for the first two weeks of Black History Month since she’s only half black but I’m willing to overlook that because the film is that damn good. The movies only flaw is that no one ever seems to figure out that Halle Berry is Catwoman. She's the only sister in the whole damn town, but no one ever guesses that the hottie secretary who was all lips, hips and ass is also the hottie superhero who was all lips, hips and ass. Do people in that town see Halle walk away and think, "hey, there’s our only black girl," and then Catwoman would show up, "oh, I guess I was wrong." Especially since that mask only covered like 5 percent of her face. Sometimes I wear sunglasses and a hat, yet my friends still seem to recognize me. They don’t all faint and scream and point and say “it was you all along” when I take them off.

click

Christina Aguilera gets engaged

2005-02-18T22:20:00.000-06:00

So, Christina Aguilera is engaged. And, for whatever reason, I just can’t get into this story. Maybe it's because she’s marrying this guy and I’m pretty sure I could still bang her whenever I wanted, but it's probably cause the pics below showed up this weekend too. What the hell is wrong this girl. I feel compelled to mention that I didn’t alter these pics in any way. This isn’t me trying to fuck with her. This was her idea. I bet you the phrase “has anyone seen my heroin” was overheard a lot during this shoot, cause some daffy bastard looked at Christina and said, “yeah, you look ok, but what you really need is a mustache drawn on you so you look like a 19th century strongman. That’s what guys want, guys like girls who look like they should be cackling maniacally and adjusting their monocle and top-hat while tying a damsel to the train tracks. Yeah, yeah like that, that’s hot.”

as always, thanks to Image Shack for the hosting

click

Halle Berry

2005-02-18T22:18:00.000-06:00

So apparently Halle Berry won't be wearing million dollar shoes to the Academy Awards. Someone must have pointed out it's bad form to have a million dollars on your god-damn feet while at the same time wearing a black ribbon to show your “concern” over the mountain of dead in Indonesia. But the real victim here is me, cause I’d already written a brilliantly funny follow-up to my original article. And since I’m too lazy to write something new, I’m posting it anyway :

"Halle Berry will wear diamond encrusted shoes with a net worth of one million dollars to this years Academy Awards. And if it's not an hour later right now and you’re picking yourself up off the floor, you should probably read that first sentence again, cause I said “million dollar shoes.” It's almost unthinkable. I didn’t even spend a million dollars on prostitutes last year … in this country. If you're going to wear million dollar shoes, you might as well stop off somewhere and kick some orphans in the nuts, cause, really, its pretty much the same thing."

And to think, her selfishness almost cost you the hilarity of this article. Tsk, tsk Halle. Tsk, tsk.

Scarlett Johansson

2005-02-12T01:15:00.000-06:00

I really need to get off my ass and sell a screenplay, cause my crush on Scarlett Johansson is just about out of control. I’m not sure how selling a screenplay helps, but I need every edge I can get, cause unfortunately, I’m about as smooth as that prisoner who throws his cum on Agent Starling. As it turns out, most girls misinterpret that. Even more so if your not actually in prison. Trust me, don’t try that at a club. Or in line at the bank. Oh sure, it’s an ice breaker, but you don’t want that drama. Trust me.

I barely even remember what the hell this post was about. Oh yeah, Scarlett and my undying love. Here are some pics from my ceiling … umm, I mean collection, to prove it.

click

theSuperficial.com

2005-02-12T01:04:00.000-06:00

I have good news and bad news. If you’re here to read my normal dumb jokes and poorly thought out observations, well, you still can. Just not here. At least not as often, cause I’ve started to write for theSuperficial.com. If you’ve never been there, do yourself a favor and click. It’s a great site, very funny stuff. I’ve been a fan for a while now and I’m pretty flattered to be a part of it.

I’ll still update here at least once a week, with longer stuff then I can put up there. And if you haven’t dug through the archives here, you should, some of the stuff is a little dated but I stand by the funny. So the entry today is gonna be a little short. And I only put this together so the Candice Michelle Playboy stuff would move off the front page and my mom could stop praying for my eternal soul. Mom, look! It worked!

(oh, and if anyone is wondering, you can find some of my stuff on theSuperficial here and here.)

Tara Reid. Yeah, I know ... again.

2005-02-08T19:04:00.000-06:00

I saw a Twilight Zone once where this guy woke up one day and all the common words in the English language had suddenly changed meanings. ‘Cat’ suddenly meant ‘table’. ‘Bowl’ meant ‘plane’ and so on. And that can be the only possible explanation for Tara Reid telling the New York Post this :

“I am a very smart girl, and people don't realize that … People think I am America's party girl, which is just stupid.”

Lets ignore for a moment the obvious lunacy of Tara ever being considered smart on even the most generous of scales. And its too easy to make fun of her acting, considering her only range seems to be drunk or stoned or drunk and stoned or ’just got hit in the head with a cartoon frying pan‘, and there’s really not that much use for that in Hollywood over the long haul.

Lets just focus on the ‘I'm not a party girl anymore’ part. Well, these pics were taken three days ago (2.5.05) of Braniac leaving the Spyder club in Hollywood. Here’s one on the beach taken January 17. You wanna shed the party girl image sweetie, don’t get drunk and pass out with the bad guy from Fargo. And don’t ever do this. And would it kill you to close your legs, even for a minute. What are they, fukkin spring loaded. I know old habits die hard, but can you just pretend that your not a whore.

What I don’t understand is her appeal. She’s an insufferable bitch, she cant act, her implants are ridiculous and, if you want, go to the Colony in Malibu - where a ton of these Britney pics are taken - hang out at the newsstand for 5 minutes and you’ll see 50 girls better looking than Tara. Not Britney obviously, but other girls. Girls who don’t have to be helped to their car in a drunken stupor at the end of the day, promising to “hook you up” if you can just get her home and hold her hair back, all the while mumbling, “hey, can I buy some pot from you.”

I could go on like this for a while, but, to hell with it. If you want, theres more on my love affair with Tara here.

Oh, and the Tara in the pic up top? Forget about her. She doesn’t exist any more, if she ever even did. You might as well jack off to the Little Mermaid.

click

good times, yo. good times.

2005-02-08T18:58:00.000-06:00

I wanted to link these videos because I was trying to explain them to a friend of mine but instead just ended up staring at her tits and prattling on about nothing. He-he, just kidding Ashley. (*note* - I’m not kidding)

People pretty much get their ass whupped in both videos, and I know its cruel to laugh at strangers as they writhe around in insufferable pain, but God should have thought of that before He made it so hilariously funny.

The first video is some reporter at a grape stomping competition. In other news, grape stomping competitions are apparently held. And theyre newsworthy, for some reason. But this is actually a good video to show the kids because the fat girl cheats at the end and continues to stomp the grapes after the time limit. And since our God is a God of vengeance and anger - a God of action - He tosses her fat ass off the stage and face plants her into the ground thirty feet below.

Now, you may ask, “What could possibly go wrong in a contest where someone’s feet are constricted and their legs are pinned in and they’re in a race to oddly shift their weight back and forth with no handrails on a stage barely big enough and comically high off the ground?” And I would agree. Having survived countless sessions of ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ - a game where kids hopped up on sugar are blindfolded and spun around till dizzy, then handed a 9-inch needle to jab violently into the air - I really didn’t see a problem. But based on the way this chick rolls on the ground and barks like a seal for ten minutes, there was one. And it was pretty serious.

- click here for the stage diving hilarity -

The second video is a guy falling off a ladder live on QVC and its brilliantly awesome for a couple of reasons. One, I’m pretty sure this guy is dead, cause he hits the ground like he fell out of a plane. He lands so flat and lays there so still, I’m not sure if he slipped or if someone shot him down. And note that the caller handles the situation with much more skill and speed than any of the hosts who are clearly helpless when presented with a situation where the answers aren’t spoon fed to them by the teleprompter. Don’t all help at once there, guys! The chick says, "he’s moving!" Yeah, well, if he’s on his stomach reaching up with one hand, he's probably asking for help. But you just stand there honey, in that three foot halo of perfect lighting that takes 5 years of your face while your co-worker bleeds to death internally.

- click here for the back breaking humanity -

click

Candice Michelle

2005-02-08T18:55:00.000-06:00

Lot of talk lately about the GoDaddy.com girl. "Who is she" and, more to the point, "where can I see her enormous rack"? It's not usually what I post here, but in the spirit of whoreing out to potential traffic, I used my powerful Hollywood connections to put together this gallery of her. If you haven’t seen her Super Bowl commercial yet, go here. I’m not even gonna bother to write one of my brilliantly funny intro’s this time cause I’m pretty sure its gonna be lost on this one.

You can find her home page here. Click on the pics for big.

click

I’ve been thinking about maybe buyin a cow…

2005-02-03T22:26:00.000-06:00

you know, for summer.

click

sort of an update...

2005-02-03T11:27:00.000-06:00

I haven’t updated in a few days here. I’ve been pretty busy. I won’t go into details, but I’ll give you some advice : don’t ever get a supermodel pregnant, cause they wont ever let you hear the end of it. Trust me. Even if you’ve moved on. Even if you’re trying to have dinner with a new supermodel, the first supermodel wont think anything of charging into the restaurant and causing a big scene. Even yelling, “is this any way to act … in front of our baby!” and then pulling up their shirt. Even though they don’t look pregnant yet. Cause its only been a few hours.

Trust me on this.

Anyway, I did watch a bunch of Japanese horror movies the other day, so here’s whatever you wanna call that :

Japanese people must be terrified of little kids with wet hair. Cause that’s what all their horror movies seem to be about these days. I just sat through Ringu 1 and 2 and the Grudge. I probably should have said that first. I’m unapologetically jingoistic, but god-damn the rest of the world is weird. What kind of pussy country chooses a damp little girl for the killer in their slasher pics. Out of all the serial killers in movies, I think I’ll take my chances against the unarmed 10 year old, thanks. Waterey tarts distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Wait … scratch that last one. (does anyone even get that joke? or am I dating myself)

My dad never gave me a lot of advice when I was a kid, but he would smack me in the back of the head if I did something stupid. Which is kind of like advice. Anyway, one thing he did say was, "the chinks are nuts". He meant the Chinese, but I’ll go ahead and lump the Japanese in there too. Cause the Asians love it when you lump them all together like that. But after watching this little film fest, his comment seems to have some merit, cause they make some pretty weird movies. At least when they’re not slaughtering dolphins and masturbating to violent porn, which apparently takes more time than you might think. And then there’s this... (wildly NSFW).

It’s almost embarrassing that I used to have a crush on Sarah Michelle Gellar. It’s even more embarrassing that I used to go through her garbage. And these tats I have of her on my back, chest and penis don’t seem like such a good idea any more either. Too bad that smart ass judge with the god complex had to break us up right as we were getting close. Right as I was getting close. Oooohh, yeah, we get it Your Honor, you’re a big man aren’t you. You’re not the only one who can make someone wear a GPS anklet. Well, maybe you are, but you get my point.

Ahhh, young love.

So, in summation, these movies are weird. And my phone bill is scarier than 'the Grudge'. And also - even though she wasn’t in the ones I watched - I would kill this entire town to fukk Naomi Watts. And I actually like this town.

(told you that pic was relevant. In screenplay writing, this is what we call coming full circle. And yeah, I got Sarahs entire name tatted … you know … down there. 19 letters. with spaces. Call me ladies!)

click

Eva Longoria

2005-02-03T11:26:00.000-06:00

I’m usually too busy at my fight clubs to answer email, but if you write me and label it “Eva Longoria masturbates a lot”, I promise you, I will open it. So thanks to Nick for sending me these:

"N Sync star JC Chavez is obviously failing to satisfy his girlfriend, actress Eva Longoria, in the bedroom - she has confessed her best sex of the past year came courtesy of her vibrator.

She adds, 'I didn't begin enjoying sex until I started masturbating... It's a shame I didn't discover it sooner... Everybody should do it.'"

Wow. Did you guys catch that. That sly boots didn’t mention me by name, but it's pretty clear she wants me. What’s also pretty clear is that if you’re a girl dating a guy in a boy band, you better get ready to masturbate a lot. Cause apparently even the straight ones are fags.

I’m joking of course. None of them are straight.

Anyway, in honor of my first reader submitted story, I used my powerful Hollywood connections to put together this super high res gallery of Eva Longoria. There were a lot more here at one point, but that’s because the first half dozen I cut were apparently Eva Mendes. And as dumb as that sounds, I don’t even blame myself. Its impossible to tell Latin chicks apart. 15 or 50, they all look 27, they got that big rack, big ass, long hair and makeup like they just stepped off the set of ‘Mucho del Gante’ (*).

Anyway, dig in. some real nice pics here. click for big.

(*) I don’t speak Spanish so I have no idea if ‘mucho del gante’ actually means anything. its just fun to say. try it. 'mucho del gante.' wasnt that great.
And now that I think about it, I’m not sure how old these articles are cause I heard Eva was banging Tony Parker these days. by the way, I hope you're leaning in close, cause the small font means I’m whispering.

click

Native American co-worker kind of disappointing

2005-01-31T01:05:00.000-06:00

(Austin, TX) - Expectations were high for Jonathon Takes Enemy when he accepted a position at Dell Computer this past summer, and not just because he has a M.B.A. from BYU.

"I just thought he'd be able to do cool Indian stuff, like predict the weather or track people through the office by feeling the carpet," said co-worker Ashley Tappan. "I figured he'd have some cool tips on how to brush a ponies hair or grow peyote, but so far nothin. I feel a little deceived, to be honest, like he misrepresented himself."

And supervisor Matthew Stark agrees. "I know that Jonathon's a Crow Indian and they've always been a peaceful people, but they're all savages, right. They're all dangerous. I was kinda hopin he'd have a necklace of scalps or teeth or somethin that he'd wear to labor meetings or with the distributors, cause then it'd be like our tribe against their tribe, ya know. No one would fuck with us then. They'd all be too scared of the wily savage, crouched in the corner of the boardroom behind a fern, wearin a bear skin with a knife in his teeth and dried blood on his chest. God that woulda been great. Oh well."

Stark continued, "Yeah, it's too bad too, I mean, if he's not gonna entertain us, I guess were gonna have to let em go."

click

Man survives lion attack; would have preferred different miracle

2005-01-31T01:04:00.000-06:00

(San Diego, CA) – "For the Lord to bless Larry like this, for His divine hand to intervene and save a human life, well, it just proves once again how truly blessed we are."

This was the overwhelming feeling among the friends and family of Larry Schrader, a local man who lost a drunken dare and fell into the lions cage at the San Diego Zoo.

The fall led to a vicious attack by a male lion when Mr. Schrader fell within inches of a pregnant female. Zoo caretakers were able to free Mr. Schrader from the cage and save his life, but not before serious injury led to the amputation of the mans right arm.

"Blessed, you call this fucking blessed," said Schrader as he waved his stump angrily in the air. "Bullshit! This is not blessed. That fat bastard who’s married to Daniela Pestova, he’s blessed. That fucking cunt in Georgia who’s, like, 20 years old and won 80 million in the lottery, she’s blessed. I got eaten by a fucking lion! But, oh no, don’t let me sound ungrateful, please no, stand aside, and I’ll dance my happy dance cause I’m so blessed … oh, but wait … I cant, I forgot, I don’t have any balance anymore CAUSE I HAVE ONE FUCKING ARM!"

"I mean, what do you get, one, maybe two miracles in a lifetime, why did mine have to involve gettin flung around by a 1000 pound carnivore."

Upon reflection, Schrader did find a silver lining. "Look, fine, yes, I suppose it’s cool that I’m still alive and all that shit, but it was also cool when I didn’t have to open a beer with my cock."

Angelina Jolie

2005-01-26T17:04:00.000-06:00

I could stare at this picture for hours. And when I say "could", I mean "I just did". The last thing I remember was staring at her tongue, and then there was this blissful white light and I was in a butterscotch meadow talking to a unicorn about the true meaning of friendship. But I guess she has that effect on people. I know girls who are completely straight but would drink warm blood to get their hands on Angelina for an hour. Which is a very girly thing to do. No guy does that. No guy ever says, “Yeah, I’m no homo, but there’s just something about Gary, the way he bends over the engine block to cap the plugs on his GTO. Man, what I wouldn’t give for a piece of that.”

Guh. Just creeped myself out there a little bit.

Anyway. Here’s a super high res gallery of Angelina lookin like she could fukk you in half. click for big.

click

Sharon Stone found alive in park just miles from her home

2005-01-26T17:03:00.000-06:00

(Los Angeles CA) – A man walking his dog stumbled across the remains of actress Sharon Stone Wednesday, ending a yearlong mystery as to the performers whereabouts.

Ms. Stone was spotted at a popular dog park just off Mulholland Drive in the Hollywood Hills. Ms. Stone had no dog, but sat in the middle of the twenty acre park wearing a long dark coat on a warm October day, a large 'Basic Instinct' baseball cap pulled low over her face and a pair of dark sunglasses.

The "actress" sipped from a cup of Coffee Bean coffee, trying to go about her day while avoiding a throng of imaginary fans and paparazzi.

"Yeah, it turns out that her movies suck and she’s an irritating, insufferable, ego-maniacal, self-centered, patronizing bitch, so no one was really lookin for her," said police.

click