not really an update...

despite what it looks like. If anyone just stumbled onto this by clicking that 'next blog' thing, know that most of this page is content I wrote for the Superficial this past week. I probably should write new stuff or at least make this intro funnier, but if I were that brilliant, I'd be banging a bunch of Playmates, not writing a blog.

Marisa Miller nekkid

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out this week, which is as good a reason as any to dredge up the fact that supermodel Marisa Miller, who this year makes her fourth straight appearance in SI, began her career as a nude model for magazines like Perfect 10. Sadly - and I’m not proud of this - I sometimes use that against her when we quarrel. I know its not cool, but, dammit Marisa, since when does ‘medium’ mean ‘medium rare’! COOK IT AGAIN!









(you can click for real big on the one up top too)

*update* - someone sent in this link for the Marisa Miller Perfect 10 video. If you’re okay with watching insanely hot 19 year olds prance around naked, you might wanna click.




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Britney Spears is fat

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Thanks to Suzie for sending in these horrifying images of Britney Spears and making it impossible for me to masturbate tonight. And thanks to Britney too. It’s nice to see you smoking and drinking in front of your core audience of 12 year old girls. Maybe later you can go to Disneyland and rip off Mickey’s head. Or, you know what, fuck it, just go ahead and slaughter a unicorn right there on the deck. Dance in it's blood. Those kids are gonna cry themselves to sleep tonight anyway, why not just take thier innocence once and for all.

And, nobody asked, but these were taken at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey, where I used to work until they fired me for being too handsome. I’m not really sure why she would be hanging out there, but I don’t have a good explanation for why she put on two hundred pounds either.




You can see even more of this gallery here, at what appears to be a Britney fan site, which completely fuckin baffles me. By the way, when you're so in love with cigarettes you don't even put them down to go swimming, it might be time for the patch.


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Ben Affleck is Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

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This story is pretty old but it showed up in the inbox and I’m too lazy to look up my own stuff. My intent was to post the funny picture and then call Affleck a dick for twenty minutes, but then I realized I don’t really think he is a dick. I know I’m supposed to hate him like everyone else, but how should he live this great life he’s been handed? Is he supposed to not bang Elektra when she shows up at his door. I can’t honestly say I've ever had sex with Jennifer Garner, but I have masturbated to this twice in the last 10 minutes. And I gotta tell you, it was pretty hot.

Yeah, he's wildly overpaid and a little too proud of himself, but I’m an insufferable dick even without a hundred strangers and sycophants telling me how wonderful I am every day. I usually only get like ninety. Granted, they’re all imaginary, and one is a wily but noble Indian savage who doesn’t even speak English, but I’m pretty sure he’s a big fan.

you can click for big on the pic, by the way. if youre into that sorta thing.


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hard and fast

A couple of quick links here sent in by the urbane and attractive readers who are a hell of a lot better at finding stuff like this than I am. In my defense, that’s mostly because the day room here in the prison still has a dial-up connection and I only get an hour a day online. Most of the big stuff I post is written while on parole, but when you’re a hard mother fucker raised on the streets like me, those gates are just a revolving door.

The Lindsay Lohan Barbie Doll: If I were Lindsay Lohan, I’d be asking if I really can lead a normal life while taking Valtrex. But more to the point of this link, I'd be pissed because this doll looks like they just got Arial and that kid from lil’ Pimp to fuck. Better pic here.

Kelly Clarkson has acne on her back: So I said, “Kelly honey, you should take a shower, that stuff will clog your pores.” And Kelly says, “But I want a reminder of our night together.” Well pumpkin, you got one.

Nicole Kidman says something lucid and reasonable. Oh, uh, never mind.

Matt Dillon down with the swirl: If you’re like me, you’ll notice that the guy in the picture doesn’t look anything like Matt Damon. But if you’re like me, you’re an idiot who can't read headlines right. Bio for the girlfriend here.

The Kris Kross homepage: I know some people have had a hard time getting on to The Superficial lately. You won't have that problem here. In fact, about ten minutes after I clicked here for the first time, they knocked on my door. Asked me if I needed any yard work done. Be sure to check out the remarkably patronizing ‘tour info’ link.

That’s all for now. Oh, and that picture of Marisa Miller up top? That really had nothing to do with anything, except to declare my unquenchable love for Marisa Miller.


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Paris and Nicole. no, the hot one.

Lot of talk today about the Paris Hilton cell phone hack. It seems a lot of people are entertained as hell by dialing disconnected numbers for c-list celebrities, but I was a little more interested in the pictures. Don’t most people have pictures of other people on their cell phones, not just themselves? If she would have been making out with playmate Nicole Lenz in all those pics I wouldn’t be complaining, but sadly, a lot of them were apparently taken at the zoo or something.

Anyway, all I really cared about from this are the pics of her and Nicole Lenz, and I figure that’s all you care about too, so here are some stills of the infamous lesbian porn tape (her porns are getting hard to keep track of) that Paris made. Appropiate has-been Simon Rex must have paid close attention while making gay porn in the early nineties, because he’s the one filming this. I remember there were a lot of questions about his sexuality when the gay porn stuff came out, allegations he vehemently denied. Well, there are two hot chicks fucking each other about three feet away and all he does is watch. Dont you people have a fucking tripod. Or a chair, slide a table over, something - they broke out a a strap on, didn’t that tell you anything. It’s a bitter fuckin irony that gay guys are seemingly involved in hotter three ways than I am.

Anyway, here are some stills of the video and a gallery of Nicole Lenz from Playboy.

*update* so it seems the girl on the cell phone is Latin MTV VJ Eglantina Zingg and not Lenz as widely reported early on, but since it took forever to host and post all this stuff, I'm keeping it up.

















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