Upcoming 'Daredevil' movie expected to be boost for the blind. Except they can't ... well, you know, they can't, ummm ... you know

(Los Angeles, CA) - The teaser trailer for 'Daredevil' hit the web this week and it's already generating cool reviews from film geeks and fanboys alike. The movie, unique because of its physically disabled hero, has received rave reviews from many sight challenged Americans who graciously choose to ignore the cruel, cruel irony involved.



"I love the idea of a blind action hero, and it sounds just great," said Daniel Potter, a spokesman for 'Sight Unseen', a research center for the visually impaired in Santa Monica. "The score is cool, there's this whooshing sound, which I think is Daredevil fighting with his cane, then there's a different whooshing sound, which I heard was Electra whipping out her swords. I bet she’s really pretty. People with the gift of sight should really enjoy it."

And star Ben Affleck seems eager to promote the film. "The idea came up to have a big screening at 'Sight Unseen', but, like 2 seconds later the obvious problems to that kind of occurred to all of us." Affleck said. He did not go on to add, "Christ, the parking alone woulda been a fuckin’ train wreck."

But not all the anticipation is positive.

"In the sense that I'm dreading it, yeah, I guess you could say I'm looking forward to it," said Brian Griffin, who is blind. "I already had one jackass throw a pool ball at me. Apparently this happened in one of the comics. I think I was supposed to spin to the side, twirl my cane like a Jedi and bat the ball like a Bonds home run. But it turns out, I'm not a bionic acrobat, so I stood there having a conversation and got hit in the teeth with a cue ball. The pain was fuckin insufferable. So I cant wait for the movie, people gonna be heaving swords at me, then look surprised when I stand there and get sliced in half."

New ad for prescription medicine to feature Pride fighting cage match

(Manhattan, NY) - The new ad campaign for the genital herpes medication Clearinal launches later this week and will try to improve upon the familiar trend of prescription ads seen on TV and in magazines.

"A lot of the new meds," said company spokesman Ned Gabanna, "try to explain how you can still lead a full, exciting life. Snowboarding in a wheat field, tae-bo in a meadow, skeet shooting in a classroom and so on. Well, we want people to know that even if they have type-2 herpes, you can live a normal life, even to the point of winning an extreme fighting hardcore title."



"Just a few years ago, genital herpes would have been a debilitating, embarrassing infection. But now, there's nothing to hide and nothing you cant do."

Guy in bar much smarter than Ty Willingham

(South Bend, IN) - In what could be a make or break year for Notre Dame head football coach Ty Willingham, local man Darrel Drums has turned up the heat with a mumbled and poorly thought out plan for winning football.

"I tell you the god-dammed problem, god-dammed guy aint got no balls, he need to better, call better plays ... where they score! I remember ... the other guy ... you look like him ... he was ... ya know, not all this faggot runnin left and right and backwards and turnin the ball to the other. Touchdowns ... is the problem. Not me, though, not when me, you wait ... I'll show you fuckers. Kiss MY ass ... is what you can do."

As of press-time, Coach Willingham, who has played or coached football everyday for the past 45 years, had not yet released a comment to address Drums biting critique.

Strangely, Drums, who has been a sales rep at Blue Bunny ice cream for almost a year, has not been contacted by Notre Dame Athletic Director Thomas Wingate. "Even though Mr. Drums has a clear and commanding knowledge of the myriad problems facing the Irish football program, we have no plans at this time of stealing him away from Blue Bunny and replacing Coach Willingham."

Ummm ... why is Catherine Zeta Jones doing cellular commercials?

(Eden Prairie, MN) - "Uh, did the acid just kick in … or did I just see Catherine Zeta Jones in a phone commercial. And, mind you, not a funny, ironic phone commercial but a vague, confusing, pointless phone commercial. What the hell? Five minutes ago, she was the hottest piece of ass on the planet. Her contemporaries were Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman. Now its the "can you hear me now" guy.

I mean, I kinda understand that her confidence cant be great because Laura Elena Harding is like a younger, hotter, sluttier version of her, and that has to suck, but Jesus, cell phone ads? Maybe next she can be the voice of the BK Value Menu. What was the point in marrying that mummy if she still has to whore herself out to commercials?



Oh, and just so were clear, on a scale of 1 - 10, I would fukk Catherine Zeta Jones a good hard 9, but there's no one in hell 'T mobile' is gonna make it. No way, no how, regardless of how bad I wanna bang the spokes model. Even without Zeta Jones, the commercials are dumb and confusing. All I want from my phone company is free nights and weekends. I don't wanna learn Italian so I can blow some guy in a coffee shop, I just want free nights and weekends. Give me that and 1000 anytime minutes, and I'll follow you to hell and back."