Monday, January 31, 2005

Man survives lion attack; would have preferred different miracle

(San Diego, CA) – "For the Lord to bless Larry like this, for His divine hand to intervene and save a human life, well, it just proves once again how truly blessed we are."

This was the overwhelming feeling among the friends and family of Larry Schrader, a local man who lost a drunken dare and fell into the lions cage at the San Diego Zoo.

The fall led to a vicious attack by a male lion when Mr. Schrader fell within inches of a pregnant female. Zoo caretakers were able to free Mr. Schrader from the cage and save his life, but not before serious injury led to the amputation of the mans right arm.

"Blessed, you call this fucking blessed," said Schrader as he waved his stump angrily in the air. "Bullshit! This is not blessed. That fat bastard who’s married to Daniela Pestova, he’s blessed. That fucking cunt in Georgia who’s, like, 20 years old and won 80 million in the lottery, she’s blessed. I got eaten by a fucking lion! But, oh no, don’t let me sound ungrateful, please no, stand aside, and I’ll dance my happy dance cause I’m so blessed … oh, but wait … I cant, I forgot, I don’t have any balance anymore CAUSE I HAVE ONE FUCKING ARM!"

"I mean, what do you get, one, maybe two miracles in a lifetime, why did mine have to involve gettin flung around by a 1000 pound carnivore."

Upon reflection, Schrader did find a silver lining. "Look, fine, yes, I suppose it’s cool that I’m still alive and all that shit, but it was also cool when I didn’t have to open a beer with my cock."


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