Thursday, January 20, 2005

Jocks 'tough-love program' misconstrued as 'bullying'

(Durham, NC) - Shock and surprise swept through the crowded corridors of Northshore High this week after computer club president Alan Dufurt accused all-state linebacker Clay Carrol of being a bully.

"My dad says I should just ignore him, and that troglodytes like him only pick on people cause they have the brains and social skills of a Borg drone," said Dufurt in a nasally whine during an interview at a local Dairy Queen. "But dad always knows just what to say, that's why he pretty much runs the Renaissance Fair every spring."


Carrol was surprised and disapointed when told of the news.

"Well I'm surprised of course, surprised and disappointed. Over the last four years, I've spent hundreds of hours beatin the shit out of that kid, often on my own time, away from school ... and now this. It almost makes me wonder if it was all worth it. I've tried to shield him from the trappings of popularity so he could focus on his academic pursuits, tried to strip him of his worldly possessions, things like pride and money and his pants, so he could open the gateways of his mind and potentially carve out a better future for all of us."

"Look, its all over for me, I've peaked," Carrol confessed. "I'm captain of the football team, I'm bangin the head cheerleader, I got a tricked out red Camaro and I just signed on for a full ride at LSU. It's all downhill from here, but there's still hope for Alan, which is why I've beaten him senseless so many, many times."


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