Monday, January 24, 2005

Drunken prank to have friend raped by deer somehow goes wrong

(Bessemer, AL) - The combination of stoned rednecks, shotguns and a case of whiskey ended in disaster over the weekend when local man David Kimmel was sodomized and shot.

"Well, we didn't start out tryin to shoot Dave, I wanna make that very clear. It just seemed like a good idea at the time," explained Randy Eisworth, a lifelong friend of Kimmels.

"Yeah," agreed Michael Shepard, the third member of the party. "it was never part of the plan, it just kinda turned out that way."

"Here's the story," Eisworth said, "we'd been huntin all day, we got back to the cabin, cleaned up, opened a couple bottles of Southern Comfort and started playin some cards. Dave could never really hold his liquor and after a couple hours, he passed out. Well, shame on em, cause that's when we dragged him out into the woods, stripped em down, rolled him on his stomach, and poured a couple bottles of 'doe-in-heat' onto his ass."

'Doe-in-Heat' is a popular hunting lore made from the urine of a female deer during the mating season. Just a few drops on the leaves of a tree will attract every male deer within several miles.

"We were just gonna video tape a deer mountin' Daves ass and then chase him off, but they started comin up right away, one after the other, there must have been about 12 of em lined up for a piece of Dave. We didn't really anticipate that. And then Dave wouldn't wake up, and the deer were pretty excited, so the first few just kinda had their way."

"Here's the thing you need to understand about when Dave finally woke up - a full sized buck will have a penis somewhere between 30 and 35 inches long, so when the fifth one rammed that thing up Daves ass, and Dave finally woke up, he looked pretty surprised. I don't think he had a full understanding of what we were tryin to do."

"So Dave starts runnin around, still pretty drunk and confused, flailing his arms around, tryin to shake the deers cock out of his ass. But the deer wasn't done, and I think he was a little surprised too, so he just kinda clung there, rockin his pelvis back and forth into Daves ass."

"I mean, we tried scarin the deer away, but nothin worked and with Dave freakin out, we felt like the only thing that was gonna work was the guns. So we grabbed our shotguns. And I think that's probably when we shot Dave by accident. Although, to be fair, if Dave had held still like we asked him, our sight line woulda been much cleaner."

Kimmel is expected to recover fully. Physically.



Blogger Chris said...

Incredible... is this story real?? If it's not real, its very onionesque... good work anyway

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If someone did that to me I would murder them in front of their family

1:45 AM  

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