Home Depot now open 24-hours; “I’m fuckin terrified”, says source

(Marina Del Rey, CA) - Police and local lawmakers found themselves in a quandary recently when the home improvement giant changed its hours of operation. Now open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, customers are free to shop for what they need, when they need it - which is where the problem begins.

"Look man, no ones buying garden knomes and Ralph Lauren paint at two in the morning on a Friday, okay,” said one overnight clerk who wished to remain anonymous. “It's psychos in hip boots and goggles, franticly searchin for shovels and quicklime."

"People only go shopping in the middle of the night if it’s an emergency, and what kind of emergency needs steel drums and cement mix. What kind of problems do these people have that a chainsaw, a porcelain tub and acid can fix," said the stout blond teen.

"It’s bad enough during the day when we got these (Arab-Americans) buyin electric timers, blasting caps and PVC pipe," the pock-marked source continued. "Gee, I wonder what the (Arab-Americans) are doin with that?"

"I’m scared for my fuckin life here, these people see me, they know I see them, I got my fuckin name on my shirt, I'm a witness, fuck, maybe even an accessory," said the source, whose nametag says ‘Scott’.

"And my manager wonders why I'm always stoned; it’s the only thing that calms my shattered fuckin nerves."

Area car dealer overstocked! Announces ‘Dealin Days!’

(Blair, NE) - A clerical error has local auto-superstore Tyson Motors overstocked, forcing the auto giant to slash prices to the bone.

"Friends, our lots are full and the time to deal is NOW," said sales manager Dominick ‘the dominator’ Klein. "The 2005 models are just around the corner and we’ve still got too many 2004’s, no reasonable offer will be refused, Prices May Never Be This Low Again!"

And industry experts agree. "This is a stunning mistake," said automotive analyst Tommy Porter. "You’d think they would realize that the lot can only hold so many cars, and then order that amount. It’s amazing. Now they’re oversold and now they gotta deal. You can bet heads are gonna roll for this one."

Rufus Sweater, an independent father of six, was swept up in the once of a lifetime savings. "Shit, buyin a 2005 Navigator with leather, DVD and GPS aint never even crossed my mind, but prices may never be this low again, and Id’a been a damn fool not to buy one today, and my daddy didn’t raise no damn fool."



When asked if he had reservations about buying a $70,000 SUV, just months after moving into a $60,000 home, Sweater said, "Well, we may have to dilute Britney-Ann’s insulin for a month or two, but if there’s a problem, we’ll just give her a candy bar. Or not give her a candy bar, however that works."

Homeless man wonders why no one else is wearing their pith helmet and snorkel

(Santa Monica, CA) - Long time 3rd Street Promenade resident Warren Ducket has seen trends come and go in the ten years he’s been a dirty homeless vagrant, but the more he sees, the less he understands. And not just because of the psychosis, alcoholism, disease and malnutrition.

"Look at 'em! A hot day, don’t even got helmets on," Ducket mumbled while admiring the stained and broken brim on his pith-style helmet. "Not me though, I got. And what it can do too. God-Damn Teddy Roosevelt, That’s Who! Me! No lions on me! Jack-asses. Is what they are! Fuck ‘em. The people."

It’s believed Ducket found the safari-style hat while rummaging through the dumpster behind Banana Republic several years ago. The snorkel was probably left behind on the beach, which is just a few blocks from the outdoor mall.

"All this water," Ducket went on to babble incoherently while demonstrating the snorkel, "gotta breathe, can’t water and not breathe can you. Swimmin. In the water. Gotta! Protect ya from the sharks and cops. Too much of it. Kill em. Just like Teddy."

Dexatrim and Pantene mix proven better than Viagra for erectile dysfunction

(Seattle , WA) - A common suburban scene that played out recently may lead to a breakthrough in the treatment of impotency. Research scientist Dennis Haugue remembers the moment well.

"I was working in the garage one day, watching a Mariners game - I remember Ichiro just ran out a triple - and my wife comes out to grab another pint of Ben and Jerry's. I don’t know if our fukkin freezer makes Ben and Jerrys or what, but we never seem to run out. And that’s when I had my epiphany, I remember thinking, 'you know, I had no trouble getting a hard-on when she weighed 115.'



And so the theory began.

"When we first got married," Haugue continued, "and her hair was dirty blond and down to her ass and her stomach was flat as a board, my dick got hard enough to cut glass. Then, slowly, gradually, everything kinda went to hell. Those 5 pounds a year, after ten years, don't exactly have me ripping her clothes off. I still run 30 miles a week, keeps me pretty trim, got a decent tan. She’ll sit on that damn couch for hours and not move, layin there in a lump like she fell out of a plane."

"And the fact that she has a twin brother, and with her new dyke hair cut she looks just like him, that's not making me any hornier."

"So, as I'm mulling this over in my mind, I'm thinking, maybe the problems not with me. Maybe, just maybe, its normal to not be so excited about fuckin a woman who, at this point, looks nothing like the girl I married."

Local man witnesses mother and young black boyfriend in adult novelty store; man kills self; friends and family totally understand

(Springfield, MA) - A chance encounter resulted in the suicide of local man James Barnes this past Monday when he happened upon his mother and her new lover as they left the 'Glad-He-Ate-Her', a store dedicated to adult videos and products.

Barnes apparently rocketed through the first four steps of grief as he was instantly overwhelmed with anger, depression, fear and hopelessness. After a quick and mostly incoherent call to his home, Barnes drove off the Springfield Bridge.



"What we can ascertain from the phone call," said Springfield Chief of Police Scott Poignot, "is that Ms. Pamela Barnes (the mother of James Barnes) and her new boyfriend, who goes by the name Filthy D, left the store hand in hand, and Mr. Filthy climbed behind the wheel of a black BMW M3 convertible, a car that is still registered to Mr. Harrison Barnes, the late husband of Ms. Barnes and father of James Barnes. Harrison Barnes passed away two weeks ago after a three year battle with cancer."

Mental health experts agree that James Barnes did the right thing.

"Yeah, it's probably for the best," said clinical psychologist Drew Pinsky. "The mind can only handle so much atrocity before complete collapse, and the images that had to be in his mind must have been just horrific, and they would have lasted forever, no amount of therapy would have purged that, so ... he's in a better place now, no matter what the afterlife holds in store for him."

New police drama to feature cop who "plays by his own rules."

(Universal City, CA) - A street-wise cop and a 'by-the-book' detective may seem like an unlikely pairing for a police drama, but that's exactly what a new show promises this fall.

'Coffee and Donuts', from creator Aaron Glenn Hall, will team up straight-laced veteran detective Paul Coffee with wise-cracking Tony 'donuts' Danetti, in an unpredictable and exciting hour of groundbreaking television.

"It seems like all the cop shows today," said Hall, "feature cops going through proper channels and following procedure. What I wanted to see was a cop who plays by his own rules, who gets results, even if you don't always agree with his methods."

"This is a guy who doesn't care about politics," Hall continued. "Heck, half the time he's got the chief of police, the D.A. and the mayor breathing down his neck, but he doesn't care. He's busy ribbing Coffee about bein 'tied to a desk' and bein a 'paper-pusher'. But the show isnt all about zingers. The guy is fearless. He doesn't care about losing his 'shield' or his 'piece', which is cop slang for 'gun', he just cares about the kids and gettin drugs off the street.

Japanese heavy metal band wants to know; "are you weady to wock?"

(Pasadena, CA) - As the latest import to sneak onto the shores of California, Japanese supergroup 'Loudness' began a 15-date club tour to introduce their hard-rockin sound to an American audience.

Getting their start at the 'KROQ Almost Acustic Christmas', lead singer Ichiro Yamahama whipped the crowd into a frenzy with his commanding stage presence. "Ha-row Wos Angewes," Yamahama screamed. "We are ... Woudness, and we wanna know - ARE YOU WEADY TO WOCK!"

In between time spent slaughtering dolphins and masturbating to violent porn, the Japanese have found time to delve into American-style hard rock. Not content to just plaster 'hello kitty' stickers onto every inch of the country, many Japanese teen girls have immersed themselves in the music of American stars like KoRn, Andrew W.K. and Incubus.

"Me wove Eminem," screamed one pigtailed future bukakki star. "Him got big wound eyes and spiky bwond hair. He wook wike G.I. who bomb my grandpas willage and steal my grandma! Eminem wules!"