disclaimer

Okay. Ummm … according to some of the e-mails I’ve gotten, I need to clarify something. If it wasn’t clear before, this is all just a bunch of crap I made up (*). The news stories, anything you see with a dateline, is just stuff I made up to practice writing and make my friends laugh. Now, granted, none of my friends do laugh because they’re imaginary, but one is a wily but noble Indian savage who doesn’t even speak English, so I’m not sure he should count.

The pics I post are lifted form the net, in the public domain to the best of my knowledge. Any real stories will be linked. Any dumb little commentary is all mine, for better or worse. And if you can’t figure out which is which, what stories are real, which ones are fake, then how did you even get online?


(*) except for the one about me and Randy tryin to get Dave raped by a deer. That one is mostly true. Except we didn’t shoot him. Actually we did shoot him but that was on a different trip. And we only shot him a little. The one about my girlfriend thinking she was psychic after giving up pot is mostly true too. And I did have a Crow Indian friend named Jonathon Takes Enemy. Wow, this blog got really cathartic somehow.

helper dog

Nobody asked, but the ‘Santas Little Helper’ in “the Santas Little Helper” is my dog. And yeah, Barts dog on the Simpson’s too. I don’t have any kids or anything because I only have sex with international supermodels and they’re all too strung out and anorexic to get pregnant, so its pretty much just me and Helper.

She’s a great dog, a Dutch Shepherd, a very rare breed to be found in the U.S. Which makes me sound cooler than I am, cause I found her in Vegas, a few blocks north of the Luxor. She was just sittin there. In some kids yard. At the end of a leash. With a red bow around her neck and some card sayin “Happy Birthday Timmy”, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. I would have asked around to see if anyone knew her but there was this big commotion in the back yard - yelling and clapping, jugglers and clowns - it was a real freak show, and I knew I had to get her to safety as soon as possible, so we took off and never looked back.