Friday, December 31, 2004

Homeless man wonders why no one else is wearing their pith helmet and snorkel

(Santa Monica, CA) - Long time 3rd Street Promenade resident Warren Ducket has seen trends come and go in the ten years he’s been a dirty homeless vagrant, but the more he sees, the less he understands. And not just because of the psychosis, alcoholism, disease and malnutrition.

"Look at 'em! A hot day, don’t even got helmets on," Ducket mumbled while admiring the stained and broken brim on his pith-style helmet. "Not me though, I got. And what it can do too. God-Damn Teddy Roosevelt, That’s Who! Me! No lions on me! Jack-asses. Is what they are! Fuck ‘em. The people."

It’s believed Ducket found the safari-style hat while rummaging through the dumpster behind Banana Republic several years ago. The snorkel was probably left behind on the beach, which is just a few blocks from the outdoor mall.

"All this water," Ducket went on to babble incoherently while demonstrating the snorkel, "gotta breathe, can’t water and not breathe can you. Swimmin. In the water. Gotta! Protect ya from the sharks and cops. Too much of it. Kill em. Just like Teddy."

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